Chapter 1: Security Deposit Shock

On my wedding day, my girlfriend’s parents suddenly demanded a ₦50 million security deposit from me.

Fifty million? For where? My ear nearly block. The shock hit me so hard, I nearly forget say na my own wedding I dey.

As soon as those words drop, e be like say cold breeze just blow through the parlour. Even the scent of fried meat and perfume for parlour turn bitter for my nose. Some aunties and uncles glance at each other, their eyes big like saucers. My heart begin beat kpokpo-kpokpo inside my chest, sweat start gather for my forehead—even under air conditioner. For Naija, who dey hear this kind talk? Wedding wey supposed be joy, na so tension just land from nowhere.

Right after that, my wife’s younger brother—my future brother-in-law—stood up and started reading out something he call the “Marriage Rule Book.”

He clear throat like big man, face straight as if he dey read constitution. Even the way he hold the A4 paper get drama. The room fall silent, only the hum of generator dey background. Some elders nod, thinking na another normal tradition, but me—I dey watch am with side-eye.

[All of the groom’s income must be handed over to the bride, who will have full authority over how it’s managed.]

My uncle shift for chair, whisper, "Na who dey write this kind law?" People begin whisper. Some young girls dey giggle, some boys just dey frown. My uncle even cough for back, cover mouth make e no laugh.

[To avoid any quarrel between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the couple must not live with the groom’s parents, should limit contact, and must return to the bride’s family for all holidays.]

Na wa o! Even Christmas, New Year, Easter—na bride family house we go dey? I steal glance at my mum, her lips pursed, eyes blinking fast. Some aunties just hiss under breath.

[The groom must show respect to the bride’s parents—send them money and gifts on birthdays and holidays, and always be available whenever they need anything.]

Ehn? So na ATM be my new name? My small cousin for corner cover mouth, suppress laugh. I no blame am.

……

[For the first child, the groom must pay the bride’s parents ₦10 million as a ‘thank you’.]

Somebody for back shout, “Ewo!” but people pretend say dem no hear.

[For the second child, the groom must pay ₦20 million, and so on for the third and fourth.]

[If any of these rules are broken, the ₦50 million security deposit will not be returned.]

Even the air self begin heavy, like say ancestors dey watch.