Chapter 2: Bitter Sweetness and Silent Goodbyes

The day I decide to let Shen Lianxu go, na just normal day, nothing special.

No sign, no rain, no rainbow—ordinary Tuesday, even sun no too shine. I just dey carry my own wahala for head.

Inside the empty duplex, I siddon for dining table wey don turn my permanent spot. I finish my breakfast of yam and egg sauce quietly. The aroma of fried onions and pepper hang for air, but e no sweet my heart. Yam soft, egg sauce get onions full ground, but as I dey chop, fork dey knock plate small small—na only that sound dey join the TV. Food no get taste, but hunger no gree me rest, so I force am down.

TV dey on since, dey play all kinds of programs twenty-four hours. I no even dey look the screen—na background noise dey help me, so my mind no go wander enter depression. If I off am, everywhere go quiet like graveyard.

Na only the TV dey make sound for house.

Sometimes, I go even raise volume, as if person dey come, make e look like say house full. But na lie—na only me dey.

Shen Lianxu no dey need drama for voice at all.

That one voice deep, if you hear am for radio, you go sabi na him. The kain tone wey dey make person stop dey think of all their problem.

So as that hit Nollywood drama wey he and Amara act begin replay for holiday, I quick quick recognize his voice. Even for the opening song, na him dey do backup. I dey form like say I no notice, but my ear dey catch every note. Low and gentle, like when rain dey fall for zinc roof—steady, dey calm your mind. I just allow am enter my body, dey remind me of old time.

Na for that drama he and Amara meet and fall in love. That year, everywhere hot for social media—people dey trend them, dey call them couple goals. My cousin even get their wallpaper. I never watch am before—always dodge the show. If advert come, I go change channel quick. But today, I just surrender.

Maybe na boredom, maybe I truly don let go. Boredom dey make person try nonsense, but this one different. I just reason say, why I dey run?

For the first time, I carry myself go sofa, buy streaming membership for IrokoTV, begin watch the drama serious. Arrange pillow, off light, put phone on DND—set myself like cinema, even though na only me dey.

And now I understand why people still dey ship the two of them after so many years. True true, if na me, I for join ship them. Chemistry no dey hide.

E be like say, dem really fit each other well. From episode one, the two of them just dey act like say na real thing. Amara dey smile, Shen Lianxu dey look her like say tomorrow no dey. My own body dey do me somehow.

Honestly, e dey pain me small. I try form hard babe, but inside my chest dey burn. E be like say my heart dey tear small small, but I no wan show am.

I don almost spoil the behind-the-scenes clips for that show with how I dey watch am. Dey pause, dey rewind, dey zoom face, dey try catch if na real or acting. I dey look how dem dey touch hand, dey laugh behind camera. Jealousy dey rise small small.

The way Shen Lianxu and Amara dey understand each other, dey protect and show love—everything clear for my phone screen. You go think say dem plan am, but I know say na chemistry just dey flow. Even director for background dey smile.

E be like say, he dey love people with the same style. That kain soft, patient love. The one wey show for body language, not just mouth.

The same soft look, the same jealous talk, the same way he dey hold person like say na him own. Even the way he dey hold her, e remind me of those nights wey I go cold, he go drag blanket cover my leg. Now, I dey watch am do the same thing for another person.

Back then, all these things no mean anything to me. I dey form say na normal, say love suppose be like that. I no appreciate the small small gestures. But now, e be like sand wey dey fall from my hand—the more I try hold, the less remain.

I dey try hold onto old memory, but e dey slip. Na so heartbreak dey be. Too sweet. The sweetness dey bite person, bitter for mouth but sweet for teeth. Na so I dey swallow am.

I just dey look the fine man and beautiful woman for the screen, sigh for myself. I try form say I no dey jealous, but the sigh long. If person dey here, dem for hear am.

This drama get thirty episodes, each na forty minutes. That na 1,200 minutes, twenty hours. I do the calculation for head as I dey watch. I tell myself say if I finish, maybe e go clear my mind. No too long, no too short. The number just perfect for person wey dey find distraction. I reason say, even JAMB people dey do less than that.

I watch am back to back, no break, all day and night. My battery die, I plug. My eyes dey red, but I no stop. Na only biscuit and coke I chop join. Till my eyes turn red. I even pour eye drop, but e no help. Tears and sleep dey fight inside my eye. Till everywhere dark and quiet. No generator hum, no car horn, everywhere just still. Na only the TV light dey shine. Till clock knock three for morning.

Na so I check time, shock say day don break almost. Sleep just tire for my matter.

The male and female lead finally pass all wahala, hug each other well. I dey clap like mumu, even though I know say na script. I wish say life simple reach like that. Happy ending.

True love win for film. But real life, na another thing. E good like that. I tell myself say e no bad to dey happy for person, even if na for screen. I genuinely happy for them, my mouth even curve small. I try form smile, e come out awkward. But na effort.

The eyes wey cry for the love wey the actors dey suffer, don dry now. My face don dry, no more tears. I dey look ceiling, dey reason how I reach here. I come realise, too late, say sleep don pass me long ago. Sleep waka go since. My mind just dey race, dey calculate old things. But no wahala, everything don end now. I tell myself say na closure be this. I gats move on.

I stand up, waka go bedroom. My leg heavy, I drag am reach door. For corridor, harmattan breeze blow enter the parlour, dry my lips, make me shiver small. I no off the TV. Because, to be honest, I dey fear silence—especially that kain silence wey be like say na only me dey alive for the world. The silence dey remind me of when I first come Lagos, no friend, no family. Na only TV dey keep me company.

The house, wey fans dey drag me say I no fit afford without Shen Lianxu, don dey echo only my footsteps for long. Na true. This kind big house no suppose dey empty. Even my echo dey sound lonely.

So when I hear small noise for the door, I think say na thief. My mind jump, I nearly carry phone call estate security. But I just freeze.

But this na luxury estate for GRA. Gate dey, fence dey, security tight. Na why I surprise.

So—

I dey peep through window blind, try see who dey. My heart just dey beat like drum for festival.

Na Shen Lianxu, the person wey I never see for long. Na so I see him familiar silhouette for corridor light. My chest tight small, I no fit talk. I never sabi if this meeting go heal old wound or scatter am finish.