Chapter 1: Hotel Wahala

I lay flat on the hotel bed, tossing and turning. Even as I press pillow for my head, generator dey hum for background, and one suya man dey shout somewhere for road. The faint scent of fried oil and suya smoke sneak inside, mixing with the AC wey dey try manage.

E be like say the bed dey vibrate join. I fit hear their giggle, the way the woman dey whisper, the man dey groan. Omo, e con be like say I dey inside their room. No be small wahala. God, abeg, na so my own night go end?

Wetin dey worry this yeye hotel sef? Which kind useless soundproofing be this?

E be like say the walls na carton dem use build am. Dem for write am for door say 'come hear your neighbour's life story.' For Lagos, na only God fit save you for hotel wey dey cheap.

I check the clock—3:30am. Frustrated, I reach for my lighter and light one cigarette—Baba Blue, the cheap one wey dey burn quick—as if I dey help the guy next door celebrate him victory after action.

As I puff the smoke, I just dey wonder if the guy go collect medal after. Na only for Naija you go see this kind matter, as if dem dey run marathon for night.

Abeg, make una no fit finish quick?

I even wan knock wall, but no be my wahala. I just dey pray make dem quick rest so my own body go calm.

Na deep night be this—una no dey pity people wey dey try sleep?

Mosquito sef join wahala, dey hum for ear. I use wrapper cover leg, still dey reason my own problem, plus these two wey dey do as if tomorrow no dey.

BANG! Next thing, na so the door next door burst open, with shouting, crying, and things just dey scatter everywhere.

The sound loud reach, even people for corridor begin open window, peep like say dem dey watch Africa Magic live.

Omo, na person catch side-chick be this.

You know as Naija be, wahala dey quick land like rain for July. Person don finally burst their secret.

Sharp-sharp, I wear cloth and rush go see the wahala. The door for opposite side wide open. I waka go there, peep inside, na so I see one naked woman dey collect slap, person dey drag her hair.

Na real Nollywood scene. She dey struggle, but the slap heavy. Some women dey shout 'it is enough!' but nobody fit enter.

The babe just dey cry anyhow, tears dey rush comot.

E be like say her spirit don comot body. I dey feel small pity, but vex dey my chest.

Last time wey I see her cry like that, na when I propose to her.

That memory bite me, as if pepper enter eye. Who go believe say na my own babe dem dey treat like this?

I just waka enter the room with bold steps. Instead of to save my fiancée, I go straight to the man wey dey stand there dey do like say him no sabi wetin dey happen, I just knack am one blow for face.

Na so everybody pause, even the slap for next room freeze. E shock dem. Voice hush like morning devotion. The slap echo, the room freeze.

"Who... who you be?" The wife stop the slapping, just dey look me, confused.

She hold her wrapper for chest, eyes like saucer. The other women stand for background dey do sign of cross.

"No worry about me, abeg continue."

My body dey shake, but my mouth still dey sharp. I fit feel eye dey burn me from everywhere.

I wan give the guy another one, but two men hold me.

Dem grip me like say I be goat wey wan break tether. One shout, "No turn this place to stadium, abeg!"

I raise my hands to show say I no dey find trouble, then point the woman wey dey kneel down dey sob: "That one na my fiancée."

Dem look me, look her. One madam even hold her chest, mouth open like she wan faint.

The look for everybody face na correct classic. Dem don see people catch side-chick before, but two sides show for the same time? E never happen before.

E con be like double wahala. Even the security man for corridor con peep, shake head, whisper, "Na wa o."

I light another cigarette—Baba Blue again, hand still dey shake. The flame no even steady, I just dey blow the smoke anyhow.

"You slap my wife, I punch your husband. Both of them do rubbish, so e balance, abi?"

Everybody silent, nobody fit argue. Na only for Naija you go see justice serve for room with one punch and one slap.

"Guy, abeg, cool down, make we talk. No more fight, abeg." One of the wife's friends try enter between us, wan settle.

She dey beg with soft voice, dey balance wrapper. The whole place just smell like perfume, sweat, and wahala.

"Oga, abeg, wetin be your mama surname?" I just give am as e hot, no even send.

The guy shock, raise eyebrow: "You dey craze? You wan fight?"

If to say na my papa, e for don say, "You dey find trouble?" But me, my vex na premium.

Me, vex don hold me, anybody fit collect. Before he finish talk, I don land another blow.

The blow na real 'aporo'—everybody shout. One old man for corner just sigh, "This one pass my power."

After three minutes, everywhere scatter, everybody just dey breathe like say dem run marathon.

Wahala don full everywhere. Shoes scatter, bedsheet tear, people dey pant.

My face swell, eyebrow dey bleed, but I no even feel anything. I just sit down for one corner dey smoke.

Cigarette burn me small, but I no send. My mind just blank.

The wife waka come, squat near me, dey look the cigarette for my hand, just dey reason something.

She balance well, as if she dey size me up. Her eye red, but she try form hard woman.

"If you wan talk, talk abeg."

I dey try hold myself. My chest dey pound like generator.

She laugh—truth be say, she fine when she smile.

The laugh weak, but e clear for her face say she get sense of humor, even for wahala.

"So, how you wan run am?"

Her voice low, but she mean am. I dey try decode her plan.

"Anything, I no get wahala. Na you sabi." I try form like say I no send.

I rub my forehead, pretend say I dey think, but I no even get plan.

"Oya, make we run am sharp, so e go clear—two can play this game."

For my mind, I just shock. This country no go kill person.

The cigarette fall from my hand.

Na real movie scene, I almost choke.

Even if dem give me eight hundred bottles of kunu, I no go believe say this woman fit talk this kind thing.

Na wa! If person narrate am, I for argue say na lie.

"Wait, you dey mad?" I look her like say she don craze.

My mouth wide open. For my mind, I dey shout, "Nawa o! See as life dey turn!"

"Wetin you mean?" She no even vex, just dey look lost, maybe her mind still dey her husband wahala.

Her eyes dey red, but she no shake. She just dey reason life like say e be crossword.

"Your husband run go knack because my fiancée fine pass you and sabi pass you for bed. I get my babe already—why I go wan do anything with you?"

I talk am with chest, but my voice dey shake small. E pain am, her face squeeze.

I see am for her eyes—pain cut deep, but pride no gree let her show am.

"Wetin that one mean?"

Her voice don dey loud small, like say she dey try recover ground.

I look her from head to toe. To be honest, she no ugly—her face even resemble my babe small, just senior am.

I remember the time I first see Fiona, the way she dey laugh for my joke, her light skin dey shine for sun. This one get same shape, just her eye dey carry experience.

But vex just dey worry me, so I pour am for her head, dey blame her say she no fit hold her husband, as if me sef fit hold my own babe.

The truth na say nobody fit hold person wey no wan stay. But at that moment, shame and pain dey make my mouth sharp.

"If person dey chop party jollof, why e go dey find mama put rice?"

People for room begin nod, one guy even clap. E turn to gist point, as if my pain na comedy show.

"Oya, out! All of una, carry una wahala commot!"

She vex—true, she fit fear person like that.

She stand up with swag, dust her hand, eye dey red. Everybody con rush comot, even the ones wey no get shoe.

Fiona sit down opposite me, dey press cold towel for her swollen face.

The towel soak, she no even talk, just dey look ground.

"Why?" I no even look her. I no fit stand her face at all.

If I look her, na wahala fit burst. My mind dey do replay of everything wey happen.

Anytime I see her, na her moaning for another man I dey remember.

My chest tight, my heart dey beat kpokpo kpokpo, like generator wey stubborn to start. Na so heartbreak dey taste for Naija—bitter like unripe mango.

"No reason."

Her voice low, almost like whisper. As if she dey beg make ground swallow her.

"How no go get reason? I no good for you?"

My eyes red, I dey try hold myself. For this country, na man suppose get strong mind, but this one dey cut deep.

"You be good person."

That one pain me reach bone.

The word dey echo for my ear. Na so person dey dismiss pikin for kindergarten, 'you be good boy'.

"I be good person, na so? I fly go Jos for work, solve client problem, na to catch my babe dey cheat be my reward. So na good person suppose chop bullet for head?"

I begin scatter things, vex dey boil for my body.

I push chair, toss pillow, even my laptop bag fall, but I no send. My hand dey shake.

"You know say you always dey travel. After you propose, how many days you don spend with me?"

Her voice crack, she dey try reason her own pain too. I no want hear.

"Ehen! See wahala. Why I dey travel up and down? No be because we wan buy land for Gwarinpa, pay bride price? If I no travel, money go fall from sky?"

I raise voice, vein show for neck. I dey try justify myself, but na only God fit judge.

"You think say I like this waka waka? Na so e easy? You think say I no wan stay with you?" My voice dey shake, I dey hold tears.

My eye dey red, but I no wan make am see my tears. For street, dem dey say man no dey cry.

"Abeg, I never ask you before—wetin that guy wey you follow dey do?"

She look ground, play with her nails. Voice small, almost like say she dey talk to herself.

"Anyway, e get money pass you, and time sef pass you."

I shake my head. I don understand. Na this one she dey wait tell me since.

She dey hope say I go vex, but my mind don dey numb. My chest dey freeze.

"So na money cause am. I hear. Abeg, pack your load, go meet your sugar daddy, idiot."

I no shout. I just talk am, as if cold breeze pass my mouth.

She hiss, "You think say you get right to judge me?"

Her voice loud, pain dey inside. Na as if we dey swap wound.

"Wetin I do?

"You sure say you never cheat for this relationship?"

Her eye wide, she dey probe me with eye. As if she dey find one lie hold.

"Which kind nonsense talk be that?"

My hand dey shake, but I form as if I sure myself.

"How you take get that scar for your wrist?"

She point, eyes narrow. The room cold.

My hand just touch my right wrist by itself.

I remember the day I fall inside gutter as pikin. E pain me say na today she dey use am against me.

"I don tell you hundred times, na childhood injury. Abeg, behave normal for once."

My voice calm but inside my head dey boil.

"Who give you that scar?"

"You dey craze?"

No be say I dey guilty, na just say she dey talk rubbish. I swear, I never cheat on her. She just dey find anything throw for my head.

My mind dey race, but nothing dey come out. Only pain dey dance inside me like masquerade.

Once I reason am well, nothing remain for my mind again.

I just tire. All this wahala don pass my strength.

"Oya, out."

My voice firm, I no fit look her again.

She still sit down, no move.

She squeeze face, wipe eye, but leg no gree stand.

"I say out!"

I shout, point door. My chest dey vibrate. I wan burst cry.

She cover her mouth, run commot with tears, bang the door.

The sound loud, like thunder. Even corridor people look my door, dey gossip.

I mutter, "So you sef get mind dey cry?" But my own tears no gree stop too.

My pillow soak finish, my head dey heavy, my chest dey bleed.

Na my own babe, and tonight, everybody go hear story.