Chapter 2: Catfish and Heartbreak Receipts

Sleep no enter my eyes that night. The next day, meeting with client na total mess.

I no even get ginger, my mouth dey taste like paracetamol. I dey stare at PowerPoint, dey see my own reflection.

Client just use me shine, the whole trip waste.

He talk anyhow, throw question up and down, my head just dey blank. At a point, I just dey nod like agama lizard.

"Wetin dey do you?"

My boss call—client don report me.

His voice strong, like thunder for early morning.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? If you see river or lagoon near you, abeg, jump inside. No waste time."

I smile small, even as tears wan drop. Baba Musa no dey pity person, but na him style be that.

"Sorry, Baba Musa."

"No call me Baba again, just dey call me grandson. Client just finish me like I be him pikin. You wan kill me?"

The man dey para, but I know say e dey worry for me small.

I sniff. "Sorry."

My voice crack. I dey try sound normal, but I know say the pain show for voice.

"You be tech guy, I sabi you. This thing na small matter. How you take mess am up like this?"

I rub my eye, use tissue wipe sweat for face.

"Baba Musa, Fiona cheat on me. I catch her yesterday."

Everywhere quiet for phone.

The silence heavy, I fit hear him dey sigh. After some seconds, e clear throat.

"So your babe cheat, but you suppose finish work before you dey mourn. She no cheat on me, so why you dey pour am for my body?"

His voice calm now, like uncle wey dey reason with stubborn pikin.

"Sorry."

I almost whisper am, my chest dey tight.

"Sorry no go solve anything. No come work again."

I shock. My heart skip. I think say dem go sack me now now.

Silence again.

For my mind, I dey beg, but mouth no gree open.

"I go give you seven days off. Come back when you don balance. Keep all your hotel and food receipts—when you return, I go pay you back."

I breathe small. Small grace still dey for this world.

Before I fit thank am, Baba Musa don cut call.

Na old soldier, him no dey waste talk.

Tears just dey rush me again.

The way e hit me, I no fit hold am. I just let am flow. Na only me dey my room, no one to judge.

For days, I no go anywhere. Just dey hotel or go bar go drink scatter, then crawl back hotel.

The bar man sef sabi my story, e dey pour small free groundnut sometimes.

Today, as I waka enter bar, na so I jam the wife from that day.

She wear short gown, slippers, wig no straight. She dey battle her own demon, I fit see am.

I no know why, I just go sit down for her front.

As I sit, my body no rest. Na as if we both dey dodge same type bullet for life.

She squint, see say na me, come smile.

Her teeth white, even with dry lips. Life no easy for anybody.

"Waiter... bring... another glass."

Her voice slur small. I know say drink don enter her head.

She pour me half glass Chelsea dry gin, pour herself half, clink glass, drink am all at once.

The thing burn my chest. She no even shake.

"So... you dey look down on me, abi..."

Her voice slow, words dey crawl. I just dey nod, no know wetin to reply.

I think say na the wahala I give her that day dey pain her, but she slur, "You... you dey rear catfish?"

I nearly choke—wetin concern catfish for this wahala? I cough, spill small drink. She just dey look me with red eye.

I shock, finish my drink, she refill my glass.

My mind dey race, but I just dey smile anyhow. If anybody dey look, dem go think say na lovers quarrel.

Everywhere just dey awkward, I no even know wetin to talk.

I scratch head, dey reason how I reach this point for life.

"Wetin be your name?"

She dey squint, eye glass almost fall.

"Ifedayo."

My name dey surprise her small. Na Yoruba, but my look fit pass for anywhere.

"Kai, my ex-boyfriend na... na the same name."

I laugh inside. Na so we dey discover family for club. Nigeria small o.

My name no common like that. This woman don high.

I dey watch her closely. If I no careful, she fit pour drink for my body next.

"That guy—na big mumu."

She hiss, lips squeeze. Her tongue heavy. Na so I know say drink don wire her.

So, na me she dey call mumu by association. No wahala.

I just smile, use napkin wipe sweat for face.

"My husband na bastard too. Why I dey always jam yeye men?"

She say am with full chest. I see real pain inside her eye.

"And you nko?" I try change topic.

I wan make am reason her own life, no be only men wahala.

"Fiona."

I almost choke. This world small.

See foreign name.

I nod, just dey look bottle. Life fit play person rough.

We yarn small, before you know, she don sleep for table.

Her head drop, snooze loud. People dey look, some dey shake head.

I tap her, check say she never kpai, begin reason where I go carry her go.

She dey mumble, dey snore. E clear say she need bed, not bar.

"Oga, abeg, settle your bill."

The waiter look me like say I be ATM machine.

"Ehn? She no pay?"

I dey reason say maybe dem get arrangement.

"No, sir."

No pity for this country. Na so everybody dey protect him own money.

I try wake Fiona, but she just mumble, "Go wake your mama."

The line weak me. Waiter begin laugh. Some people for bar dey snap picture.

See as the waiter dey smile, dey try hold laugh, I shame, just pay.

I dey find my wallet, sweat dey pour for my hand. My phone dey almost die.

"How much?"

The waiter clear throat, look me with pity.

"Total na 8,820, but just pay 8,800. Cash or card?"

I just look am, my heart dey cut. The way money dey fly for this city, e weak me.

"C-card." As I dey press the POS, my heart dey cut. Na my sweat money o.

The POS machine slow, I dey pray make e go through. Some people dey look like say dem dey pity me.

"Erm, una fit print—no worry."

I wan ask for receipt, but I remember say if Baba Musa see 8k plus receipt for business trip, e fit get hypertension.

If I explain say na woman cause am, na story for another day.

I carry Fiona for back. She heavy, no even try help, sweat dey pour for my body.

My shirt soak, my back dey pain. I fit hear some people dey hail me, 'correct guy', but my mind no dey there.

Where I go drop this woman?

I dey reason say if I leave am for road, e no go good. Police fit carry me if dem see am.

Worst part, she dey blow hot breath for my ear—dey tickle, dey vex me.

Her perfume mix with sweat, the thing dey enter my nose, dey mess with my head.

I drop her for one bench, loose my collar, rest small.

Keke dey speed pass, conductor dey shout "Ojuelegba! Ojuelegba!" but nobody send us.

The security man just dey look me, dey laugh inside him nose. No help, na so Nigeria be.

See as her face red from drink, necklace dey shine for her neck, one kind thought wan enter my head.

I swallow spit, adjust trouser, tell myself say na temptation be this.

I just turn face, shake head.

For my mind I dey pray, "God, abeg, make this woman no vomit or do any rubbish for here."

Abeg, no matter how fine she be, she no worth 8,800 per night.

I dey remind myself say money hard to come by. Make I no lose sense because of one night wahala.

As I turn, I see hotel for opposite side, light dey shine, like say e dey call me.

God don answer prayer, opportunity don show.

"Hello, you want standard room or king bed?"

The girl for reception dey chew gum, eye dey shine. She dey size me up, dey wonder wetin I dey carry.

"Anyone, abeg, just give me."

I just wan make dem quick, my hand dey pain, she fit vomit anytime. If she vomit for my body, na wahala be that.

I dey dance from leg to leg, dey pray make no drama burst.

"Erm..." The front desk look Fiona for my back. "I go give you king bed."

She look me, then look her, as if she dey suspect. I no send.

"No wahala, just hurry."

Another girl for desk just dey giggle, maybe she never see person desperate like this before.

She dey whisper to her friend, 'see as this one dey rush, maybe na Oga sugar mummy.'

She look me from head to toe, gum dey click for mouth—'Oga, na your sugar mummy? Abi she get malaria?'

I no even send.

If na you dey carry drunk person wey fit vomit, you go understand.

The girl collect card, give me receipt, point me to room. I just dey thank God say no wahala.

When I finally drop her for bed, I thank God.

My back don almost break. I use towel wipe sweat, adjust belt. She still dey sleep.

I bring only one cloth for this trip—if she vomit for me, wahala go burst.

I dey reason whether to buy new shirt for road.

"Oya, sleep here." I no get time for any film trick, I no even try undress her. This no be Nollywood—anything fit happen.

For my mind, I dey beg God make nothing spoil. If she wake talk say I touch her, na court case.

I cover her with blanket, drop one bottle water by her side, ready to waka.

I still check her pulse small, just to be sure say drink no go kill her.

Before I go, I remember—write note for her:

[Drink—8,800, room—500, total 9,300. I don pay for you. When you wake, abeg transfer am. My account number na...]

I write am with biro, paper tear from jotter. I drop am on top fridge, put my phone number join.

After that, I quietly close door, waka commot.

I tiptoe pass corridor, dey pray make nobody see me. I no want gist spread say na me dump woman for hotel.

Downstairs, my mind still dey heavy. I no even drink reach, spend 9,300, no even sure if this woman go pay back.

I fan myself, dey wipe sweat as I pass reception.

Small girl for counter just mutter: "So desperate, so quick."

Her voice sharp, but I pretend say I no hear.

Ehn?

I turn, look her: "Wetin you talk?"

I raise eyebrow, eye sharp. If dem wan start wahala, make dem talk am well.

Another guy quick talk: "She dey talk about food delivery. She dey hungry, say delivery fast."

The guy try rescue the girl, but I no buy am. I just nod, waka commot.

Lie!

Na so dem dey cover up for Lagos. I just sigh, push door, enter night breeze.

For Lagos, everybody dey hustle—even heartbreak dey collect receipt.