Chapter 5: Shadows on the Porch

On the way back, Ethan bought me medicine.

The most expensive, the best kind from the pharmacy—brand name, just like the ones you see in commercials during the Super Bowl.

He reminded me, "Remember to take it. It’s not bad for your health."

His tone was casual, but his eyes flickered with concern. He always made sure I was taken care of, even if it was just damage control.

I held the medicine box, letting its sharp corners dig into my palm painfully.

He never forgot to make me take birth control.

But he always forgot again and again.

Every time I took the pills, I would get low fevers for days.

The side effects always hit me hard, but I never told him. It was just one more secret between us.

"Go on, get some good sleep."

When I got out of the car, Ethan held my face and kissed me. "Been busy lately. When it’s your birthday, I’ll celebrate with you properly."

After saying that, he let go.

I got out of the car.

As soon as the door closed, he drove off.

I stood there a while longer.

Until everything around me was quiet.

The porch light under the eaves cast a long shadow of me.

But when there’s only one shadow, it always feels especially lonely and desolate.

I slowly collected my thoughts and turned to go inside.

Grandma Carol hadn’t slept yet, only went to her room after I came back.

She always waited up, her knitting needles clicking softly in the living room. She’d ask if I needed anything, then disappear down the hallway, leaving the scent of lavender behind.

I took the medicine and went to shower.

I washed for a long time, very carefully.

An unwanted child—it's better not to bring him into this world.

The water ran hot, almost scalding, as if I could scrub away everything that hurt. The scent of my vanilla shampoo filled the air, the hum of the bathroom fan blending with the chill of tile underfoot. I watched the steam curl up, wondering if I’d ever feel clean.

While blow-drying my hair, my phone suddenly rang.

On the screen flashed Ethan Caldwell’s name.

I was a little surprised, but couldn’t help feeling a surge of joy inside.

He never called me after we parted from intimacy.

I picked up eagerly, pressed answer.

"Hello, Ethan?"

But there was no response from the other side.

Only chaotic, messy noises.

Probably a misdial.

I frowned, about to hang up.

But then I heard my name.

"Ethan, even hiding it from us."

"Come on, did you take Mariah home, or go out for fun?"

"Look at his face, full of spring—do we even need to guess?"

Ethan seemed to click his tongue, then lazily spoke: "Nothing to hide. Men and women, it’s normal."

"With who? When did you start dating behind our backs?"

"Not dating anyone." Ethan suddenly cooled his voice.

The background noise made it hard to tell who was talking, but I recognized Ethan’s tone—flat, dismissive, like he was shutting the door on the whole conversation.