Chapter 4: Seeing the Truth

I don’t know how long I sat there before my best friend Aubrey video-called me:

"Nat, why didn’t you come to our class party with Derek tonight?"

"Ugh, Lillian’s all over Derek tonight. You should see it—total PDA overload."

After Aubrey finished, she turned the camera. Her face was pinched in irritation, and she held her phone low so I could see what she saw.

In a dim corner of the private room, Derek and the school beauty, Lillian, were sitting close together. There was a pizza box on the table between them and a half-empty bottle of Dr. Pepper. Derek’s laugh was big and easy, the way it always was when he wanted to impress someone.

Tonight, Lillian wore a crop top and a tight denim skirt, showing off her slim waist and long legs. She had her hair in a messy bun, strands falling loose, and a dab of shimmery lip gloss that caught the light.

The two of them were clearly separated from the others, their conversation intimate and full of chemistry. Their knees almost touched, and she leaned in every time he spoke, biting her lower lip in a way that seemed practiced.

Even through the screen, I could feel the strong, ambiguous vibe between them. I swallowed hard, my throat suddenly dry.

Someone cranked up the Bluetooth speaker, blasting Post Malone, and the smell of pepperoni pizza was everywhere.

My chest tightened painfully. It was a real, physical ache, sharp and deep, like someone was wringing out my heart.

Derek had said just that afternoon he wanted to pursue her, and by evening, he’d already made it happen. My stomach twisted—maybe I should have expected it, but it still felt like a betrayal in real time.

During a game, Lillian drew a dare: a guy does push-ups with a girl underneath, and she had to pick a male partner.

As expected, Derek volunteered right away. His grin was cocky, and a couple of his friends cheered him on, banging their fists on the coffee table.

Everyone cheered. Someone started chanting his name, and Lillian laughed, looking embarrassed but pleased.

Lillian blushed and obediently lay on the sofa. She tugged her skirt down, but her eyes stayed on Derek.

Derek positioned himself above her, doing dozens of push-ups in a row, careful not to touch her. Each time he lowered himself, he’d lock eyes with her, making everyone in the room giggle and howl.

But on the last one, maybe he was out of strength, or maybe he did it on purpose—he collapsed right onto Lillian. She squealed, and everyone lost it, clapping and whooping.

The room exploded with shrieks and laughter. Someone threw a paper napkin at them, and Derek pretended to be mortified, hiding his face against her shoulder.

Both Derek and Lillian turned bright red. You could see the flush creep up Derek’s neck, something I’d only ever seen when he was truly embarrassed or nervous.

Amid the wild cheering, Derek simply lowered his head and kissed Lillian. Like it was the most natural thing in the world, like no one else was there.

They kissed, French-style, oblivious to everyone else. His hand slid into her hair, and she curled her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

It lasted a full three minutes before they finally broke apart. Even the background music faded, replaced by the sound of people whispering, snapping photos, giggling.

During those three minutes, I stared at the screen, barely remembering to breathe, my heart feeling like it was being torn apart. I pressed my hand to my chest, half hoping the pain would just make me numb already.

I wanted to cry, but after sobbing all afternoon without drinking any water, I had no tears left. My cheeks were sticky and hot, my head pounding.

"Jeez, Nat, did you see that? They’re kissing with strings of spit—he’s totally into her!"

Aubrey sighed, turning the camera away and leaving the private room. She muttered a curse under her breath, shaking her head in disbelief.

She found a quiet corner and spoke earnestly:

"Nat, don’t blame me. If I didn’t let you see it with your own eyes, you’d never give up."

My throat was dry, and my voice came out hoarse:

"Mm. I don’t blame you."

It was all my own foolishness, holding on for so many years. I looked at my own reflection in the darkened laptop screen, wondering how I’d become so small.

Just because I was always allowed to follow Derek, I thought that spot would always be mine. I had built my whole world around someone who never promised to stay.

"I just can’t stand Derek. He knew you liked him for years and still acted all innocent, stringing you along, letting you fall deeper and deeper!"

"You saw it just now. I really hope you think carefully—don’t let him waste another four years of your college life!"

"I won’t, Aubrey!"

I cut her off, speaking calmly:

"I won’t give myself another chance!"

Aubrey, I’ve already decided—I’ll go to college in Savannah with you!

But you have to promise, keep it a secret for now.

Before I changed my application, my mind flashed with memories of our childhood summers—me and Derek running through sprinklers, the first time I saw him smile with popsicle juice on his chin, the way my heart used to skip every time he texted. I wanted so badly to believe he’d always be my safe place. But now, all I could do was try to find a safe place of my own.