Chapter 1: Welcome to Duckland

Next door, na one couple dey live like say dry firewood jam petrol—any small spark, everywhere go burst.

For this Lagos, if you never jam couple wey dey quarrel like say dem dey rehearse for Nollywood part two, you never ready. The way dem dey carry matter for head, even devil for gutter go tire.

Me sef, I just dey count days make something no catch fire for this our compound.

Every night for midnight, their shouting no dey let me sleep at all.

You go dey reason say na new episode of reality show dem dey act, but na just two grown adults dey use mouth drag transformer for midnight. Sometimes na kitchenware go follow, sometimes na only voice go do the damage. Even mosquito for my room don wise—e don begin dey hide during their wahala time.

I don try everything—advice, insult, even call community security—nothing work.

I even buy earplugs for Balogun market—omo, after two nights, the earplug resign. Na real wahala be this. Neighbours don dey dodge me, dey fear say I go recruit them for new intervention plan. Abeg, I tire.

So, I start to dey toast the man wife.

She no too fine o, but na war situation—any weapon fit work. Sometimes, e no be about beauty, na about revenge. If war come, na who ready go chop glory. Na so I begin dey buy small-small gift, dey drop code for WhatsApp status. She begin dey reply with ‘LOL’ and ‘I dey see you’ emoji. Na so my plan dey enter phase two.

For Valentine’s Day, I even hide one note inside bouquet of roses:

"Your husband don catch us?"

As I dey write that note, my hand dey shake small, but na correct Yoruba sense I add join. I use red biro, make e resemble all those love letter from secondary school. I still dey laugh as I dey hide am inside the flower, dey imagine her face when she go see am.

That one na the last straw. The husband just vex scatter.

Dem say na small thing dey make pot break. As e see the note, him face change like harmattan breeze. I even hear as chair scatter inside their flat. Na so wahala reach climax. That Valentine night, our compound get free cinema.