Chapter 4: Duck Choir vs. Redeemed Camp

03

E never tey, the quacking start again—this time, louder pass before.

Dem no even get shame. The volume na another level. E be like say dem dey use megaphone this time. My head dey pound.

Before na Donald Duck, now na Turbo Duck.

E dey pain me, but I swear dem dey do am on purpose. Na real payback.

I know say dem dey do am on purpose, so I record am, call community security.

I set my phone, collect five-minute sample. I forward am to estate security WhatsApp. Within ten minutes, security knock my door, torchlight full hand.

Security show quick. All of us stand dey listen to duck choir together. Security man rub nose, dey try hide laugh, say e sure say na disturbance be this.

Na one slim man, cap bent, but laugh just dey leak from mouth. I reason say na first time e go hear this kind matter for Lagos.

So, I carry security go their door for round two.

Security arrange face, I bone too. If wahala go burst, make e burst once.

The guy open door, shout: "You never tire?!"

The anger just show. E face don red, sweat dey him chest.

I no talk. Security just flash badge: "Oga, una dey disturb neighbors. Abeg, calm down—people need sleep."

Security try use official English, but e voice dey shake from laugh. The guy face squeeze.

Na that time the guy realize say na security dey there. Him eye almost comot: "You call security for this thing?"

E look security up and down, but no fit talk anything sharp. Him pride just dey leak.

Me, I don tire. "Oga, behave na. You no get home training? Security talk am say una dey disturb, abeg, respect yourself."

My voice loud, make dem neighbors hear. If wahala dey, make everybody know say na sense I dey talk.

Guy no gree: "Na my house be this. I fit do wetin I like. Wetin concern you with our enjoyment?"

If you hear the way e take talk am, you go know say e no even send anybody.

Truth be say, e no use 'enjoyment,' na two raw words, but make I clean am for here.

As e drop those words, security cough small. I just bone. I no wan give am chance to use madness shine for my face.

I tell am, "Abeg, I no send how happy una dey, but try reduce the noise. This quack quack too much—na duck you marry?"

I look am well, voice firm. If e wan vex, make e vex well.

"Repeat am if you get mind!"

Na challenge be that. I ready. I no dey carry last.

I pinch my throat, do my best: "Quack quack quack quack, honey you too much, quack quack quack."

If you see as I perform am, na real drama. Security nearly burst laugh.

Guy just red, rush me, wan fight.

If not for security, na real boxing match for corridor. E dey shake, dey drag trouser.

Security hold am back.

Security fit see say fight wan break. Na so e position hand, tell me make I calm down.

Security pull am one side, try reason with am well well.

Dem talk for corner, voice low. After small time, security waka come back. E face don set.

But the man stubborn like dead goat for hot water, say na him privacy, nobody business.

As e talk am, e point finger, dey tap chest. Na full stubbornness. Me, I just dey look.

I understand—the security fit only settle matter. People wey no get sense, I no expect miracle.

My mind just rest. Some people na only wahala dey move dem.

So, I sign paper, escort security go.

Na quick thing. I no wan waste time. If dem no gree, na their wahala.

As I expect, the guy return to him usual wahala sharp sharp.

True to form, just fifteen minutes, the duck choir start again. This time, even mosquito run comot my room.

I just hiss. You wan do stubborn, me sef go show you say I no dey carry last.

I reason say two can play this game. Make we see who get pass.

04

I find one big carton, put subwoofer inside, block three sides with foam. The last side face wall direct. Volume to highest.

I use masking tape, seal everywhere—na only the wall go hear the real power. I connect my old laptop, select full church playlist. I dey ready.

I blast gospel worship.

[Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Lord we praise Your name...]

If you hear as the music enter, e be like say Redeemed camp branch just open for this compound. The way the wall dey vibrate, na only prayer go solve am.

As the church chanting full everywhere, I just feel clean—body and soul dey shine.

I begin dey speak in tongues join. If neighbor no understand, na their wahala. I dey praise God, dey win spiritual battle.

For this pure worship hour, make I see if dem go still get mind continue their wahala in front of Jesus, Holy Mary, and all the angels.

Even angel Gabriel go dey watch from heaven, dey clap for me. If dem get mind, make dem try.

As I expect, Holy Spirit touch their mind, dem stop.

For fifteen minutes straight, everywhere quiet. Na real miracle. I nearly kneel down to thank God.

"Honey, I feel say angel don show, quack."

Her voice still leak small. Even as dem dey whisper, the quack no wan gree retire.

"Show wetin? Na that neighbor dey craze!" The guy knock wall. "Off that music! Who dey play worship song for midnight? You dey mad?!"

The wall knock sound like drum. But I just dey groove. For my mind, na devil dey complain, no be person.

Me: "Abeg, since you no sabi Christianity, this poor man sabi small prayer join."

I raise voice, sing am louder. Let everybody hear my joy.

The guy vex, come bang my door again.

If you see as e dey knock, e fit break police barracks. I just dey arrange my knife, dey wait.

I carry kitchen knife give am: "Tonight, either you finish me, or go back and hold yourself—this your nonsense don do."

I open door small, hand the knife to am. If e get mind, make e try am.

The man shock, just dey look me like mumu.

You go think say I be juju man. E eye big, hand still dey mid-air.

I sure say na intimidation e dey use for people, but today, e jam correct street guy.

I shine eye, dey let am know say Lagos na for lions.

He no fit collect knife. The redness for him face fade.

He step back small, voice don reduce. Even anger vanish. I just dey wait make e try me.

He even dey stammer: "You, you dey make noise for night—how person go sleep?"

Na that point I know say e don tire. If stubbornness pass limit, na madness remain.

I shock: "Oga, na my script you dey read so?"

I even clap hand small. If e wan do acting, I fit hire am for Alaba movie.

He hiss: "You just move come, you dey find wahala? You wan die?"

Na empty threat, but I no send.

I stretch neck: "Oya, make am sharp sharp."

I shift body, show am chest. If e get mind, e for try something.

He point finger, hand dey shake: "Okay, okay, you go see."

I wave am bye, smile join. Na so losers dey talk. I just close door.

I even lock am twice. Today na victory. I go sleep well.

At last, everywhere calm. I sleep like pikin.

I no even dream this time. Na full, correct rest.