Chapter 5: Udara or Uche—Which One I Buy?

E waka small go one side, send voice note.

E dey press phone, voice low, but I dey hear small as e talk. My body dey tense. I dey watch am from side-eye.

Even from far, I hear am: "I don reach, where the person dey?"

I dey reason say maybe na person wey dey supply burgers. But as I check phone, wahala dey build.

Same time, my phone vibrate two times. I check—na seller, message say udara tree don reach, make I come downstairs.

E be like film—everybody dey reach at once.

I reply: "I don dey downstairs, which colour cloth you wear?"

I dey suspect small—the seller fit be the person wey just jam my burger.

But no be girl the seller be?

I dey reason if Naija scam don reach point where guy dey pose as girl for WhatsApp.

"All black. Na you wear bunny pyjamas?"

I look my pyjamas, na bunny true true. Na only for Naija you fit see this kain coincidence.

"Yes."

I look up, na the fine guy wey stand for not too far, dey look phone. E wear all black.

My mind dey race—na so wahala dey double.

E look my pyjamas, then waka come meet me.

I dey try package face, but my mind dey hot.

Me: "……"

I dey look am, e dey look me. Na small thing remain I ask if e get tree for inside pocket.

So na this guy dey sell me udara tree for eighty-eight thousand?

I begin dey reason say maybe na ritual.

I scratch my head.

I dey try act strong, but my hand dey shake. No be small scam I don enter?

Wrong calculation—[Head dey hot like generator] na guy.

E dey even get sense for hustle. If na play, e sharp die.

I look am well.

I dey scan am from head to toe, but no sign of sapling, no single leaf for hand.

I no still see any udara tree. Big plant like that, e no fit hide for pocket now.

I dey reason say maybe e put am for bag or e go call person. Na so scam dey start.

My mind begin dey fear.

I dey try arrange face, dey ready for anything. My wahala don reach level ten.

Especially as I remember say e squash my burger, my vex come dey rise.

Even if e fine, e suppose dey pay for burger. But as wahala hold me, I still dey look face.

E collect my money finish—I wan see how e go run am.

As Naija babe, I dey ready to cause scene if e try nonsense.

I come dey regret my sharp sharp payment.

Next time, I go see product before I pay. Lesson don land.

How I go pay without see any picture of the udara tree?

I dey even reason say e fit carry leaf from compound give me.

Person no suppose make decision when brain dey hot.

I dey remind myself say patience dey save person for this country.

I roll up my pyjama sleeve, try form hard.

Na formality. If e try run, I fit still shout help.

But e tall, leg long—e reach me first.

This one get long leg, muscle. My shakara just melt. No time for gra-gra.

E tall pass me well, body strong, my shakara just reduce.

My mouth dry. E fit even be security for hostel.

Still dey fear small, but I hide my vex, stretch hand ask: "Abeg, where my udara tree?"

My voice dey small, but I try form serious.

The fine guy pause, look confused.

E dey try process wetin I talk.

The confusion for e face na real. E look me, look ground, like person wey dey do exam without calculator.

After small silence, e frown, hesitate, point himself, talk: "Which udara tree? My name na Uche Udara."

[Note: 'Uche Udara'—Udara na local fruit tree, like African star apple.]

As e talk, I dey reason say this campus wahala don pass plant level. Na now I realize say for Naija, name fit be food, fit be person, fit be anything.

I shock.

My leg weak. This kain mistake na only me fit run am.

Tears dey my eye, shame dey my body. Na only for Naija person fit buy husband by mistake.

No be tree I buy? How e take turn to person?

For my mind, I dey shout: 'God, why me?!'

How person go dey sell online?

Which kain Naija cruise be this? I dey reason if to cry or laugh.

As I wan ask am, [Head dey hot like generator] message: "So? You like Uche Udara? Na first time I dey see person wan buy am. Sis don help you fulfill your dream—eighty-eight thousand na correct deal, abi? Now na your own, forever. E get over twenty years slave experience, e sure for you."

As I dey read, my hand dey shake. If dem see me now, dem go think say mosquito bite me.

Me: "……"

I no believe say na real.

My mind dey race—if I talk, na to beg or fight? Wahala full ground.

If my supervisor hear say I kill him udara tree, come spend eighty-eight thousand buy human being,

e go pursue me commot from lab.

Na disgrace for family, sef. Village people go gather laugh me for meeting.

Uche Udara see as I quiet, e talk first:

E clear throat, voice calm, but small vex dey inside. E dey try reason wetin dey happen.

"My sister tell me half hour ago make I come meet you. Say big life matter dey."

Na so e dey look me like say I get juju.

"So, which big life matter be this?"

Me: "……"

Na so shame catch me. I dey reason say make I just disappear.

I explain how I buy am from him sister for eighty-eight thousand.

I dey talk slow, eye dey ground. My voice dey low. If ground fit open, I for jump inside.

As e hear am, Uche just hiss, "Chei," e vex.

E eye dey red. I dey pray say make e no vex reach fight.

I quick explain: "Ah, no be like that… I no dey try buy you, na tree I wan buy."

My hand dey up, body dey shake. I dey beg like say I thief for market.

I add sharp sharp: "Udara tree, as in plant."

I dey hope say e go understand. My mouth dey dry. I dey sweat.

As I look Uche, tears just dey my eye.

I dey bite lip, my heart dey pound. I dey imagine how tomorrow go be if supervisor come see me.

Na now wahala don set, my supervisor go finish me.

For my mind, I dey calculate escape route. Village no too far if e pursue me.

I dey waka round, dey panic.

My leg dey move like I dey do dance for shrine. Tears dey gather for eye, but I dey try hold am.

Uche open phone, "I go call her."

As e dey dial, I dey reason if e go report me or laugh me.

E put am for speaker.

I dey hope say Amaka go pick, explain, and maybe return my money.

As the call connect, Uche no waste time: "Amaka, wetin you do?"

E voice loud, e face serious. My heart dey skip.

Surprised voice answer: "Yes! You sef know say na good thing, abi? I find you girlfriend, she fine no be small. No wahala, just let me chop wedding rice."

Na so I open mouth. For Naija, family dey always put mouth for matter.

Uche bite teeth: "You sell me give person for eighty-eight thousand, I suppose thank you?"

The sister dey use cruise catch all of us. I dey reason if to shout or just laugh.

"Abeg, remember to thank me."

"Amaka, you dey craze? She say na udara tree she want, how you take sell me?"

My mind dey fly. If dem check WhatsApp chat now, dem go think na arranged marriage.

The sister sound like person wey dey sleep: "She say she wan buy udara tree? You no be Uche Udara? So I sell you give am, wetin be the problem?"

For my mind, I dey wonder how dem dey reason like this.

"She like you well, na why she dey find you for group chat for night—she even ask how long you be."

I nearly faint. Na so family dey embarrass person for this country.

Me: "……"

I dey shake head, dey hope ground go open.

Uche: "……"

E just dey rub forehead, dey look sky.

Uche talk serious: "You know say fraud and human trafficking na crime, abi?"

This Naija cruise don pass normal. E fit land person for prison.

She finally reason: "She no dey buy you? Na tree she want? This girl funny sha, dey buy tree for WhatsApp group."

I just quiet.

I dey reason if to cry or just resign. My luck no good today.

So to buy person normal, abi?

I dey try smile, but e no come out.

"Uche, you no dey get babe for your side. I just dey help you make friends. She wan you as boyfriend, I dey arrange am. You suppose thank me."

I dey look Uche, face serious. For Naija, family fit use matchmaking finish you.

Uche cut am: "Amaka, no use scam take arrange babe. Before I reach house, return her money now now."

Uche dey try form serious, but inside, e dey laugh small.

Amaka: "Money no dey, na the eighty-eight thousand I use buy data, e don finish. Even if you beat me, I no get am."

For Naija, data dey chop money pass food. E mean say money don enter dustbin.

Uche just laugh, vex, cut call.

The laugh na pain and wahala join. E for dash her slap if e see am face to face.

E look me, say: "I no dey for sale…"

As e dey talk, my chest dey tight. I dey fight tears, but e dey come out small small.

But before e finish, I don begin cry, tears just dey pour.

My cry no be film cry—na real Naija cry, snot dey join.

No be my fault—I dey quick cry, I no fit hold am.

Even if wahala small, cry dey flow. Na my own be that.

Because of this whole wahala for WhatsApp group, time don go. Now e too late to find new udara tree, my supervisor go come back this afternoon.

If to say I get juju, I for use am now. Na only God fit save me.

As I remember my mumu move and how fate just dey play with me, I just dey feel pain.

Pain dey my chest, regret dey my body, I dey wish make I fit press reset.

Snot and tears dey flow, I no fit even breathe well.

My body dey shake, I dey wipe face, but snot no gree stop.

Uche confuse.

Na so e dey look me, e no know if to laugh or run.

E raise hand wan clean my tears, but as we no too close, hand just shake, then e drop am back. E wan pat my back, but Naija boy pride no go let am. Instead, e just clear throat, dey look another side.

E reason say maybe if e touch me, wahala fit double.

E just dey scratch him hair, no know wetin to do.

For Naija, if person dey cry, e fit mean hundred things. Uche just dey stand, dey reason am.

I squat down, dey wipe my tears, dey mumble: "Why people wicked like this? Why dem go deceive me, sob sob, this udara tree mean well for me, I really need am."

I dey talk like pikin wey dem seize sweet. My voice dey break, face dirty.

Maybe e no fit watch me dey cry.

Uche talk, surrender: "Ah, abeg, abeg, stop this your cry. You dey disturb."

E voice soft small. E dey try calm me, but Naija boy pride no go let am show empathy finish.