Chapter 2: Ifedayo’s Test

2.

Ifedayo look the message for him phone. After him stare am for some seconds, he just delete am like spam.

Na so I burst laugh. The guy just act normal, no shake, no drama. I feel small disappointment—so all this god matter just be like all those 419 text message for him eye?

As I see this one, I surprise how the virtual person dey behave like real human, but no be the reaction wey I want. So I send more messages to Ifedayo’s phone.

I dey hammer am like MTN promo—messages just dey land. I even dey imagine say the phone go hot.

The notification sound just dey ring, almost dey form one long chime, but Ifedayo don already see am as spam, even blacklist the sender.

The guy sharp, I gats give am. I dey reason say maybe e go carry the phone go repairer next.

Even though I fit pass the phone blacklist easy, I reason say I need better way to prove who I be to Ifedayo.

I just dey smile like witch wey sabi new magic. My hand dey sharp, ideas dey come. E be like say I go show Ifedayo something e never see before.

So I change the code, use one of Ifedayo’s contact number disguise, directly call him phone.

"Hello." Before Ifedayo talk, I greet am through the external mic.

I use my best baritone voice, add small Igbo accent, just to spice the matter.

Ifedayo check the caller ID, probably dey wonder who dey talk. "Hello?"

You know Nigerians no dey too trust strange calls, so I hear the suspicion for him tone.

"Hello, I be all-knowing, all-powerful god. You get anything wey you wan ask?" I repeat wetin I type before.

If na me, I for don cut call. But Ifedayo just pause small, then shout.

"You dey craze! So you hack my phone finish? If you disturb me again, I go call police o!"

As I hear am, I almost laugh. For Naija, everybody dey threaten police, even when dem no get their number.

"Your name na Ifedayo, you born December 31, 1997. You never marry, you dey work for Palmstar Apparel Company. Your papa na Adebayo, your mama na Mama Kemi…" I open Ifedayo’s data, dey recite am line by line. "And, you dey crush on your colleague Amara, and you no like your boss Mr. Okoro because e disgrace you for Amara front…"

I even add small details—like say the amala you chop yesterday still dey your teeth.

"How you take know all this one?" Ifedayo dey look around, hold him phone tight.

I imagine am—maybe e dey look window, dey suspect neighbor, or dey think say village people finally locate am.

"I tell you say I be all-knowing and all-powerful."

I no raise voice, I just drop the words slow, make e sink well for him body.

"Who you really be?" Ifedayo still dey fear.

If to say na me, I for don switch off phone since. But e still dey reason the matter, dey look for sense.

I come lower my voice, try make am deep and mysterious, "I be god. No bother to find me. You no fit see me, because we no dey the same world."

I use that ogbonge voice wey all these old Nollywood actors dey use when dem dey act as spirit.

Ifedayo quiet for long, e be like shock dey catch am, dey struggle to believe say I be creator.

I dey imagine say sweat dey him forehead. Na Naija man way—anything wey pass their understanding, fear go first catch them.

"You fit… prove am?"

The silence wey follow that question long—like generator wey stubborn to start for morning.

"Prove wetin?" I dey pick my teeth, try hold laugh.

I nearly burst, but I just bone face, dey wait him next line.

"Prove say you be god." Ifedayo no wan gree, e dey try hold small sense.

Guy dey sharp, I gats respect. If you no prove am for Naija, dem no go believe.

I uncross my legs, small vex dey catch me. "Wetin you want make I do as proof? No be wetin I just talk reach?"

My voice don dey rise, but I still dey control myself. I no wan spoil the fun.

Ifedayo shake head, like say e know I dey see am. "Unless… you fit do wetin only god fit do."

E just dey like those stubborn people wey go church, dey ask pastor for miracle.

"Like how?"

I dey prepare myself for any kind wahala wey him go request.

"For example… give me money." Ifedayo no even reason am, e be like say na this chance e dey wait for since.

Na true Naija man! As I hear that, I just weak. If you tell person for this country say you be god, na money first go enter their mind.

Na my own turn to shock. I just sigh for my mind at this greedy, money-loving virtual person.

I for even expect am. I remember how one guy for bus once beg me for five hundred, say na for pure water.

"How much you want?"

I talk am with small swag. After all, na virtual money.

"You be god, na you go decide. But… make e plenty sha."

As I hear that 'make e plenty sha', I just shake head. Hunger dey everywhere—even for virtual world.

Okay, make I show am my power. I reason am, open terminal, check Ifedayo’s bank account, one hand for keyboard, the other one dey type plenty zeros.

I fit almost hear that GTB alert for my head as I dey credit am.

Without look, I say, "Check your account now."

My voice steady. I dey play the role well—like all those magicians for church crusade.

Ifedayo drop phone, open banking app, refresh the screen. Suddenly, plenty digits show for the account balance—over ten billion just dey there.

If na me, I for don run go buy land for Banana Island.

Ifedayo jump from bed, nearly scatter him phone. "Na lie!" he shout. "Chineke, see money!"

"How far?" I stretch body, dey contented.

I even wan ask am make e remember me when he blow, but I just dey enjoy the show.

"Ah! Chineke!" Ifedayo rub him eyes. "How you take do am?"

That 'Chineke!' burst from him mouth like person wey win Baba Ijebu.

"You no go understand. Just answer me—now you believe say I be god?"

I talk am with small pride. After all, na me dey run the show.

"I believe, I believe!"

E talk am fast, voice dey shake, like new convert for altar call.

As I see Ifedayo dey shine teeth, dey look him account balance, me sef feel somehow satisfied. I really be generous god, I tell myself for mind.

I even dey think say maybe I go open church for this virtual world. Who no like better thing?

3.

For the next one month, I turn god for the virtual world, dey grant all kinds of wishes wey Ifedayo dey make.

Omo, na enjoyment. Ifedayo turn small boy wey just see Father Christmas for first time. Every day, new request. I dey reason say, if na real world, this kind thing no go end well.

For Ifedayo world, e be like say na him be main character for novel wey get cheat code, and me, as him "cheat," dey use him wishes take dey enjoy the sweet feeling of control as I dey rewrite the virtual world anyhow I like.

E sweet me as I dey change code—one click, life go better for am. Another click, wahala go jam another person.

Ifedayo say him wan teach him boss Mr. Okoro lesson, so I change code, control city traffic lights, change the signal for Mr. Okoro road, arrange make one big trailer jam Mr. Okoro car. Mr. Okoro come paralyze from waist down, go dey bed for life. Na only the trailer driver I pity small.

I dey imagine the scene: siren dey blow, people dey shout, Mr. Okoro dey wail. Na so karma dey catch some people for Nollywood film.

Ifedayo wan win the heart of his colleague Amara, so I activate weather bureau rain-making rockets, cause artificial rain, arrange perfect rainy day meet for them. Of course, this thing cost some weather bureau staff their job.

Na this kind rain wey dey fall only for lovebirds—other people dey run go shelter, Amara and Ifedayo dey lock eyes under umbrella. I for even play love song join.

As I dey grant Ifedayo wishes, I dey cause wahala for many other virtual people, but e no affect me for real world. E just be like game. After all, who dey pity NPC for game if you finish am? So, I no even feel any guilt.

I just dey click reset button for people life, dey laugh. I no get any wahala—if yawa gas, I fit reload backup. E sure me well.

So, when investigators for the virtual world begin suspect say Ifedayo get hand for all these things, I no warn am. I just dey watch as dem carry am for questioning.

As dem dey bundle Ifedayo enter police van, I just dey sip malt. Na film I dey watch.

Especially when dem collect him phone—he dey try get am back, wan call me, I just yawn, hang up.

If na me, I for don dey pray. But Ifedayo dey look up and down, like person wey wan vanish.

Through the interrogation room camera, I dey see Ifedayo. Him face be like person wey just enjoy better view for Olumo Rock top, only to fall from cliff—shock and disbelief dey show for him face.

I fit even see sweat for him forehead—na so police dey do person for Naija.

As I expect, with Ifedayo character, e no hold anything for mouth during questioning. The investigator just show small evidence, Ifedayo break finish.

If na crime movie, na here dem go roll credit, but this na Naija—confession dey easy when slap don land.

"No be me, na god, na god do am."

E shout am with fear, voice dey tremble like generator wey low on fuel.

"God?" The investigator knock table, pure water splash for ground, him face squeeze like person wey chop bitterleaf.

If na me, I for don burst laugh. But the man just bone face, dey wait.

"Yes, e tell me say e fit grant all my wishes," Ifedayo dey cry. "I no know say e go do am anyhow…"

Tears don dey come out—Naija man no too dey cry, but when wahala hook, no choice.

"Ifedayo!" The investigator knock table, shout, "Abeg, cooperate for this investigation. If you prove stubborn, punishment go hard; if you confess, we go soft. You know how e dey. If you continue dey talk nonsense, we no go give you another chance."

The man voice thunder for room. Even the ceiling fan pause small.

This thing funny die. For real world, I slap table, burst laugh. E even pass Nollywood drama.

I even record am small—this one fit trend for social media if person see am. I dey wait for wahala to reach another level.

To make am more interesting, I connect to the investigator phone, call am. As Ifedayo dey cry, the investigator phone ring.

My hand dey shake small with excitement. I wan see whether this one go shock everybody.

"Hello, who dey talk?"

The investigator voice strong, but small curiosity dey there. He never see this kind thing before.

"Hello, Investigator, na me be the god wey Ifedayo dey talk about."

I lower my voice again, put small thunder for background, make the call sound like real miracle.

As the investigator hear my voice, him hand begin shake. For the first time, even police fear.