Chapter 4: Anniversary of Pain

When Yinka Olayemi return, I still dey cry.

Footstep echo for hallway, slow, no rush. I curl tighter under duvet, darkness swallow my sob. Heart dey pain, raw and empty.

Eyes swell, tears no gree dry.

I press pillow for face, try muffle sound. Salt from tears dey burn skin, taste bitter for mouth. I feel like pikin, lost, alone.

The love I carry since youth, in the end, na nothing.

I remember all secret letter I write for diary, small gift I keep for am, hope say one day e go notice. Now, e be like relic from life I never live.

Knowing Yinka Olayemi no go touch me, I hide under cover.

I drag duvet reach chin, hold breath as door open. I know say he no go reach for me, no comfort. Shame dey burn hot.

“Amara.”

Him deep voice break silence. I stiff, familiar fear return. Heart dey pound, breath dey quick.

Yinka Olayemi voice call. Before I fit react, he lift quilt.

Sudden cold air touch my skin. I flinch, dey wait for anger or indifference—anything but kindness.

Body stiff.

I stay still, hope say he go leave me alone. Muscle dey pain from tension.

Luckily, Yinka Olayemi no do anything again—he just sit for bed head.

He shift weight, bed creak. I no fit look face, I dey fear wetin I go see.

After some rustle, I no know wetin he pick.

Sound of plastic, tablet dey tap. I peep from cover, dey try understand.

As dirty sound from tablet start, I wake at once, face burn as I try grab am.

Ear catch moan wey no dey hide. I shoot up, reach for tablet in panic, shame dey choke me.

“Give me back my thing…”

Hand fumble, dey snatch. Shame suffocate. I no fit look him eye.

Yinka Olayemi raise hand, I fall for him chest.

He catch me, chest warm, solid. Face press am, embarrassment grow.

See my red face, he laugh: “I almost forget, Amara no be small girl again.”

Laugh low, something I never hear for months. E sound surprise, almost fondness, but I no trust am. Cheek dey burn more.

He tipsy. Eyes wey dey sharp, now soft, unclear.

I smell small palm wine or whisky—sweet, strong. Voice slur small, for once, he be human, not stone.

Yinka Olayemi dey watch body for tablet, Adam’s apple move. Then he slide hand under my pyjamas.

Room shrink. I hold breath as finger trace my waist, palm big, steady. Old hope spark, pain dey fight am.

Him palm warm, stroke waist gentle.

For a moment, I remember wetin e mean to be wanted. Touch soft, almost tender, but heart dey race with confusion, fear.

My body weak, eye misty as I look am. But suddenly, I catch faint scent of roses for him body.

E creep enter nose, familiar, unwelcome. Na the scent wey Kemi always dey use for office. My body tense.

Mix with him normal sandalwood, e even more tempting.

Combo dey confuse my sense, hard to think straight. I wan push am, but I still wan stay. Conflict dey tear me.

Yinka Olayemi whisper for ear: “Amara, you be grown woman, you too get needs.”

Breath hot for my skin, word heavy. I close eye, ache dey sharp.

“Make I satisfy you tonight, abeg?”

Pleading for voice, new, strange. Heart flutter, break at once.

As he tear my nightdress, instead of excitement I always want, na Kemi full my mind…

His hand on me feel wrong, not because of him, but because of her. Her skin, her laugh, the way she look am, dey cloud my mind. I no fit run from am.

That rose perfume na Kemi own.

Realisation slap me. Stomach dey turn, body dey reject am.

Torn black stocking, her smooth thigh, that pale skin…

All dey mix for mind, shame and jealousy twist. I feel sick, empty.

I gather all my strength, push Yinka Olayemi away, then run barefoot enter bathroom to vomit.

I no care for dignity—na escape dey my mind. Cold tile dey bite feet, but I run, hand cover mouth, dey pray make he no follow.

He no follow, just stand for door, dey look cold.

Eyes hard, arm cross. No move to comfort, just dey watch, like say I be puzzle.

When I come out, Yinka Olayemi face dark.

Storm for face, vein for temple dey jump. I wipe mouth, feel empty, raw.

“You really dey see me as abomination?”

Word heavy for air. I look away, no fit meet eye.

“Last time, and now again—I no understand.”

Voice crack small, confusion and anger dey fight.

“If you hate me reach like this, why you marry me?”

Question echo for chest. I wan scream, cry, explain, but word no come.