Chapter 1: Wahala No Dey Knock

Dem say wahala no dey knock before e enter house. When I mistakenly called my boss, my younger brother dey wrestle with new sweater like say na wrestling match.

The way the boy dey wriggle inside that sweater ehn, I just dey look am, dey laugh small. For this our small parlour, where old fan dey turn slow for ceiling, and sunlight dey struggle pass Mama's faded ankara curtain, wahala no dey ever finish. Phone dey shake for table, but na my brother wahala get my eye.

"This thing too tight, I no fit wear am."

Sweater dey scratch my brother neck, sweat dey gather for him forehead, but e no gree drop. The boy dey frown, dey twist neck anyhow. He stretch hand, dey try push him head through the neck, almost tear the thing.

"How e take tight? I check am well for market, dem swear say na your size!"

I shift come his back, dey pull am gently, but my hand dey shake because laughter wan burst out. All this struggle because of one sweater wey dem sell for market with plenty shout, "Madam, na last price!"

"E don hook me—abeg, take am easy, ah, ah, ah."

Him voice dey high, like goat wey dem wan tie. I hold the cloth gently, dey pray make I no spoil am. The thing hook for neck like say na spirit dey drag am back.

"Okay, okay, make I help you, no shout."

I pulled the sweater hard and tried to calm him, "My pikin, you see say e don set now. Make your big sister pat you small."

I rub him back small, the way Mama dey do when we small. Even though sweat dey my brow, I dey smile because small things dey sweet for family house. "No worry, na so e dey do. Next time, make you rub powder before you try."

"You sure?"

He dey drag the neck of the sweater, dey breathe like person wey dem dey suffocate.

Na so I just dey look am, pity catch me. E be like say he don fight with masquerade. I tease am, "You no go sit down one place? Small time, dem go think say you dey fight for street." I adjust the collar. "No worry, you go soon get used to am," I talk. "You dey look fine, I swear. If you waka for street, even Alhaji wife go notice you."

Later, dem talk say during meeting, oga answer one mysterious call, im face just dey dark dey go.

For office gist, Ngozi from admin say as Oga pick phone, him face squeeze like person wey chop bitterleaf without soup. One of the admin girls talk say as Oga pick phone, him eye just change, like when NEPA take light. That time, nobody gree say wetin I do reach office—na so gossip dey fly.

Oga no talk anything, just dey use him mouth finish all the twenty-eight department heads until dem begin cry.

For company group chat, I hear say even Mr. Chuks, wey dey always form hard man, wipe eye for toilet. People just dey beg, dey promise say dem go change. Oga wahala dey reach every corner.

My brother point my phone.

E point like say na snake dey inside. Him small finger just dey tap screen, eyebrow raised. "Sister, your phone dey shout o!" he talk. My heart do kpim, I rush look.

Na that time I notice say call still dey go, the screen just dey shine with two words: [Mr. Akin].

I freeze. For my mind, I dey beg make network cut itself. Sweat begin gather for my palm. How I wan explain say na play call?

God abeg, make network shame me this once.

I rush collect the phone to explain, but na only busy tone remain—the call don already end.

I press red button, but the wahala don already set. My heart dey beat like talking drum. I just dey hope say he no hear everything.

Few seconds later, message land:

[If you don recover, come back work. You no be governor wife. You no fit just dey do anyhow.]

As I read the message, my chest tight small. I fit imagine as Oga dey type, him eyebrow squeeze, him hand no dey shake. Oga voice always calm, but you go feel the weight inside, like heavy rain for August.

Two lines, no single punctuation. For my mind, e blend with that him calm, cold voice.

The thing pain me, but I just laugh. Na so some bosses dey. E fit send you only one line, but you go feel like say you write long letter for your head. I remember one time he fire person for not putting full stop—so e no dey play.

Oga must hear as I dey gist with my brother, come reason say I don well, na why I dey slack for house.

I just shake my head. If to say na Mama own, she go say make I come fry plantain for her. Na only boss go assume your cough don clear because you fit dey talk small for phone.

Nonsense capitalist.

I hiss under my breath. Sometimes, I dey wish say I fit get mind to tell am as e dey do me, but who wan lose salary? I just dey type my reply, dey remember my market list.

Sharp sharp I reply: [I hear you, Mr. Akin. I go resume tomorrow.]

Na so we dey do for this Naija—no let boss catch you for corner, unless you wan hear long talk. I send am quick, no time.

The chat show say him dey type, but after long time, nothing come out.

That part confuse me. E go dey type, delete, type again. Maybe e wan vex, maybe e dey think wetin I go take the next day. I wait small, but nothing show. I drop the phone, go check my brother leg for dust.

Maybe e wan blast me, but e hold am.

If na that old Mr. Akin, e for don finish me with words. But today, maybe e dey soft small, or e dey calculate him next move.

That him mouth—if e wan insult person, e no dey waste time.

E go just talk one thing wey go cut person pass knife. I remember the day he tell one manager say, "Your presence is like traffic for Ajah—useless and slow." Everybody laugh that day.

But after all, I don work for am four years, na only this one sick leave I ever take.

I just comfort myself. Wetin man go do? Even if dem sack me, I go fit manage, but my mind no go rest. I remember all the night work, the calls, the times I carry work go house.

Morning sun dey bite, breeze no gree blow. Even bus stop dey sweat. Next day, as Aunty Bola see me, she drag me one corner begin warn me.

She hiss, adjust wrapper for waist, eyes sharp like market woman wey dey price fish. She just dey shake her wrapper, whisper like say she dey pass market gist. "Na wah o, Amara. Oga dey boil! E make all those big men cry like children. I never see am like that before. Better shine your eye, my sister."

"Oga dey vex. Yesterday e make all those deputies cry for meeting."

As she dey talk, her eyes big like two bulbs. She adjust her glasses, dey look left and right. "Even HR dey fear to enter Oga office. If dem send you pikin go boarding school, e no reach this one."

I find correct time, prepare coffee for am, knock him office door, carry the schedule give am.

My heart dey race as I balance tray well. The aroma of fresh coffee dey mix with AC for corridor. I knock soft soft, then enter with respect, voice low. "Good morning, sir. Na today agenda be this." My hand steady, but my mind dey jump.

"Good morning, Mr. Akin. Na today agenda be this."

I greet am well, stand like good staff. I no let am see say my hand dey shake.

"Two normal meetings for day, then dinner with Musa Group tonight."

I keep voice steady, make e no see say I dey fear. I arrange file for table, then step back small, dey watch him reaction.

Oga no even touch the coffee. Him long finger just dey rest for table, voice cold.

He just dey look table like person wey dey count beans. I gree say e no wan see my face. The coffee smell just dey rise, but him own cold pass the AC for the office.

"Let that new Ifeoma follow me go dinner tonight. You no need come."

That one shock me. My heart do gbim. Wetin be all this?

"For... Okay, Mr. Akin. I go tell her make she ready."

I swallow my question, just waka quietly comot.

No need to argue. For Naija work, sometimes you go just swallow everything, dey pray make God open way. I hold my pride, waka out. The AC breeze for corridor cool my face, but my mind still dey hot.

Oga no like make person dey question am, e hate am pass anything.

Na true. If you talk too much, Oga fit sack you with only eye. I remember when office junior ask question, Oga just say, "Did I call your name?" Person humble quick.

I adjust myself, waka go meet Ifeoma.

I arrange my skirt, brush hair with hand. I dey try compose my face, make Ifeoma no see say I dey vex. For this company, small thing fit turn big talk.

As she hear am, Ifeoma cover her mouth, eyes full with tears like say she win lottery.

She jump small, come dey hug herself. Her face just shine like new note. For her mind, na big opportunity. "Thank you, Sister Amara! God bless you!"

"Na true, Sister Amara? Abeg, I just too happy..."

Her voice dey shake, but you go know say she mean am. For this Lagos, who no wan impress Oga?

Aunty Bola, wey no dey miss drama, rush come join wahala.

Aunty Bola be like town crier; if she hear gist, she must carry am go everywhere. She enter office with slippers for hand, eye sharp like person wey see tiff.

"Ifeoma na correct babe—she never even cover for you finish, she wan collect your position."

Aunty Bola laugh as she talk am, but you fit hear small pepper inside. She dey look Ifeoma from up, check her dress, her shoes, everything.

"Abeg, e no fit happen! I still dey learn from my mentor. But Mr. Akin too gentle sha."

Ifeoma quick talk, voice dey soft. She dey try show say she humble. I just smile, dey watch the drama. Office wahala no dey ever finish.

Gentle?

I turn, see say Aunty Bola sef dey look me with confusion.

Me and Aunty Bola just look each other, eye dey talk. "Na gentle Oga be this?" she whisper for my ear. We laugh under breath, Ifeoma no notice.

As I drop phone, I fit feel Oga eyes dey follow me, even from inside small screen.