Chapter 3: Spirit Bureau Reports and Fake Diaries

Madam, your enemy don dey lost for two hours now.

Sade voice dey break my head. Inside conference room, spirit breeze no dey, so body cold small. E dey complain like say e no chop.

Inside big conference room, me and my pikin, Sade, just dey one corner, dey yawn.

Underworld work dey dry. Me and Sade just dey play ludo, dey gist about people wey die last week.

To stop Musa from another death stunt, na to dey monitor am full time.

Sade carry report file, dey mark attendance. I dey watch Musa every second. E fit swallow battery, you no go know.

Sales director don call like eight times: "Mr. Musa, you agree or not?"

Business people dey sweat. Na big money talk, and Musa dey on mute.

Musa just come back to life, face no show anything. "Of course."

Like spirit enter am, e just talk. Everybody surprise, because since morning e never yan one full sentence.

Everybody: "Eh?"

Na chorus. Everybody mouth wide. The air dey heavy like ogbono soup.

Musa stand on him own. "Lunch break. We don finish for today."

This one shock everybody. Normally, meeting go drag till dem tire. Musa just end am.

Lunch break?

Everybody dey look am with open mouth. Na who dey think of food for middle of money matter?

Since when Musa dey chop lunch?

Guy wey no dey like break, suddenly dey talk about lunch? Spirit fit change person, na so I dey reason.

I follow am go lounge, na there I see person dey wait.

I dey waka after am, make sure e no go hug death by mistake. As I enter lounge, na another wahala land.

My correct padi, Halima.

Ah! Halima—the original amebo, my padi from life days. I for greet her, but spirit no dey show face for living.

When I dey alive, na she dey always gist me nonsense about Musa.

Na Halima dey carry Musa gist come my house. "Ifeoma, you see as that boy tie tie today? I hear say e get crush for you o!" Her mouth no dey rest.

After I kpai, she turn number one bootlicker for am.

As I waka go, e shock me say she dey follow Musa waka like puppy. Loyalty switch fast.

She start dey follow am before my seven days even finish.

No be up to a week after my burial, Halima don dey send Musa message. As Yoruba people go talk, "Oya, next!"

But no wahala. Dead no dey vex for living—if not, na vengeful ghost you go turn.

If I carry this kind grudge enter afterlife, I for don turn headless ghost by now. Spirit wey dey vex dey age fast—abeg, na peace I want.

Musa no even look Halima face.

Musa dey form hard guy. E bone face, no smile, e dey act like Halima be air.

As dem waka pass, Halima just grab Musa wrist, dey form pity:

Halima get drama, o. She go hold your hand, roll eye, then form pity as if na she lose family member.

"Mr. Musa, I get something wey Ifeoma leave."

E pain me say my name still dey carry weight for this earth. I bend ear, dey listen.

Musa stiff small. "Wetin be that?"

E body tight, as if say spirit touch am. Even small call of my name dey do am something.

Halima bite lip. "Fit we sit talk small?"

She wan yarn inside corner. If I fit slap spirit into her, I for try.

Musa gree.

E no get energy to argue. Halima lead am go small table. My spirit follow dey peep.

Halima bring diary from pocket. "I wan beg you for Ifeoma."

Na wa! She hold diary like say na gold. I dey wonder which one again.

I bend look, see the handwriting—anger wan finish me.

Her handwriting bend like snake wey miss road—no be my own at all. As I see fake handwriting, I shout for spirit. Halima write nonsense, dey use my name do politics!

This babe forge my writing to set me up!

My own padi—betrayer of the year. If not for spirit rules, I for send thunder from underworld.

Inside the diary, e write: "Today Musa hold umbrella for me. E disgust me."

Fake diary, fake story. If to say e be true, I for remember.

"Person wey start from nothing—how e dey talk to me?"

Na so e dey write rubbish, try set me up. Halima wan use my ghost take collect pity.

"If e touch me, I wan vomit."

Abeg, who dey vomit for person wey dey save you from rain? Halima get mind.

Me and Sade just stand both side, dey frown at diary, dey sigh.

Sade dey squeeze face, as if say the thing dey pain am pass me.

"Boss, I no know say na so you wicked. If na me be Musa, I no go ever talk to you again."

I knock Sade for head—spirit knock. "Shut up, who say make you judge? Na fake diary, abeg."

I eye Sade well.

If to say Sade get real body, I for use broom chase am. E dey take sides anyhow.

E stiff neck. "I just dey talk, Musa try. E start from scratch, e work hard. E be good person."

Sade mouth dey sharp, but na small pikin. E dey reason like person wey never see Lagos wahala.

The 'good person' just dey look diary, him eye dark like gutter water.

For that moment, Musa look lost. Na deep pain, like person wey carry heavy stone for chest.

No emotion at all.

Blank, cold, like say e don tire for earth. Spirit fit pity living? I pity am.

Halima bite lip. "I don be Ifeoma friend for years, I think… she really wrong you—"

She dey use crocodile tears, dey try draw Musa near. All this one na acting for film.

"Wrong me?"

Musa just look up, voice dey mock.

E voice cold, sharp. If you no sabi Musa, e fit wound you with words.

"So, because of your friendship, you no gree come close, but inside your mind, you dey pity me?"

Musa dey cut deep. E dey expose Halima mind like yam for market.

Halima blush. "Since you sabi, how about—"

She wan use chance, try shoot shot.

"How about you comot."

Musa hiss. "You and Ifeoma, same feather."

E use one hand sweep Halima out of road. No mercy for fake people.

I open mouth. "Abeg, how I take enter this matter?"

My spirit dey protest. Even after death, my name no dey leave their mouth.

Musa sabi spot fake, but make e no dey carry my name anyhow!

If you go drag me, drag me with correct gist. I no fit chop blame for another person sin.

Halima face just change from red to white, then she cover face, run commot.

E rush waka, shoe dey slap floor. She disappear before I fit count to five. Ghost sef dey pity am.