Chapter 5: Spirit Marriage and Ibadan Secrets

One kind force just bounce me away.

Spirit go fit fly, but this one na real kick. I land with surprise, mind scatter.

As I open eye, na Musa bedroom I land.

I dey look around—familiar place. Curtains dey move, morning dey break. I dey spirit, but I feel breeze.

Day just break.

Na fresh morning. Sun dey shine through window, birds dey sing. Na new day, new wahala.

Musa don wake, dey look ceiling, chest dey rise.

E dey pant small, sweat for forehead. Dream really worry am. E look lost, like person wey waka inside desert.

Guy never recover from that dream.

E still dey shake, as if say ghost hold am for sleep. Na me dey inside e dream, na me cause am.

I stand for him bed side.

Spirit life sometimes lonely. I stand for corner, dey wonder if e go ever notice say na me dey run e dream.

Even though e no fit see me, I no know wetin to do with my hand.

I dey rub hand, dey shift leg, as if say spirit dey find comfort. Shame dey my face.

So na me be the person for my enemy’s blue film dream.

If na Nollywood, dem for say I carry jazz. Me, I confuse. Na my ghost dey run show for another person dream?

Na so?

Who go believe am? Spirit wahala plenty.

Heat just rush my head.

My face hot like say I dey under sun. If spirit fit sweat, sweat go full body.

I cover face, dey wail.

I dey cry inside spirit. "Chineke, see disgrace!" Who go save me from this shame?

If I know, I for no open that bedsheet.

If I gree mind my business, all this spirit wahala for no land on my head.

Sade, wey wait outside all night, rush come. "Boss, you clear the wahala?"

E dey peep inside room, dey tiptoe. Sade dey always ready for gossip.

I pause, knock my head.

Spirit headache na real thing. I dey knock my head small, dey think of how to reset dream.

True, na to clear matter I come.

I for come play peacemaker, but I enter another trouble.

Now everywhere don scatter, wahala don double.

No be only me, everybody for underworld go hear this gist. My name go enter record.

Wetin I go do?

Who I go call? Spirit police? Spirit therapist? My hand full, abeg.

I no visit Musa for one week.

I give am space. My pride dey pain me. I lock spirit door, switch off dream connection.

Sade dey run up and down. "Boss, you no fit stop now o! If e die, my promotion nko?"

E dey beg, dey form loyal. Underworld promotion dey sweet Sade, e no wan miss am.

But Musa just dey calm.

E dey act normal. For once, e dey do as if life sweet am. No drama, no fire.

E dey work, dey hold meeting, go house, chop, sleep.

E routine steady. No attempt to hug transformer, no overdose, nothing.

I know say e no go die.

My spirit tell me. Musa get new fire. E no ready to kpai again.

Because e no fit become ghost come look my eye.

If e die, na shame go kill am. E no fit face me for afterlife, not after that dream wahala.

Make we just leave am like that.

Sometimes, na to let sleeping spirit rest.

No see, no wahala.

If I no see Musa, my head go calm. Na him be solution, for now.

But wahala no dey tire to find person.

As dem talk for Naija, wahala be like beans—e go find you, no matter where you hide.

Chief of Underworld just call me: "Go give Musa dream."

Spirit oga no dey give chance. Once e talk, na order.

I form face: "Oga, I no dey go. Sade dey sharp, make e go—"

I dey try dodge. I beg with soft voice, dey use smile blind oga. Sade dey happy for back.

Sade just kneel, dey hail: "Thank you, boss! Thank you, boss!—"

E dey prostrate for spirit floor, dey shine teeth. Sade wahala no dey finish.

Chief of Underworld just vex, throw him phone: "Thank who? I wan make she marry Musa for underworld. You, you wan go make am gay?"

Na so oga voice fill office. Everybody turn look. Sade freeze, mouth open.

I shock. "Why you wan arrange ghost marriage?"

Spirit marriage? For who? I dey reason if e dey among staff benefit.

Chief of Underworld look me over him glasses:

E remove glasses, eye like eagle. E dey study me as if say e dey search for hidden sin.

"E suppose get wife, but the woman just kpai. Abeg, help me fill gap. No wahala, e still dey alive, you fit gist with eight versions of am for here. If e die, I go just cancel marriage for register, e no concern you."

I no know when I laugh. Eight versions? Spirit admin get wahala.

See as Musa big—never even die, dem don assign wife for am for underworld.

Spirit policy no dey wait for person to die finish. Once your slot empty, dem go fill am quick.

But I no fit say no.

If I argue, I go post you go Sokoto spirit department—no cold water, only sand. That place dry, mosquitoes big pass chicken.

After all, underworld records don scatter since—mix up dey happen steady.

Last month, dem assign Mama Kemi—old woman for our street—to small pikin from Akure. Even spirit dey confuse.

Like Mama Kemi for next compound, after three hundred years, dem pair am with one small boy from mortal world last month.

Na so so error full afterlife. You go wake, see stranger dey call you wife.

Just normal work.

Na routine. Spirit marriage dey help balance file. No emotional attachment, just admin.

I drag leg for days.

If you see as I dey move—spirit fit limp? My own case serious.

Just before Chief of Underworld go burst, I finally enter Musa dream.

I gree go last minute, before oga go send spirit police after me.

Still the same office.

Na boardroom again. Musa dey sit for corner, e face serious.

Musa sit for window, eyelash dey shake, e no look up.

E dey pretend say nothing dey happen, but I see small fear for e body.

See as e dey form proper, my mind just remember that dream.

I dey try forget, but the memory dey flash like NEPA light.

Awkward die.

Na real tension. If you fit sweat, sweat go full everywhere.

But Musa suppose dey shame pass me.

Na him run blue film for dream, not me. E suppose hide face.

I waka go, bend, lift head to look am. "Wetin you dey do?"

I dey try break ice, but my voice small.

Musa just jump back, shoot me wicked eye. "Miss Ifeoma, abeg, respect yourself."

E dey form vex. Me, I dey laugh inside mind.

Wetin I do?

Spirit wahala. Sometimes you fit enter person dream, dem go accuse you of things you no plan.

"You get anything to talk?"

I ask, dey wait. Make e talk wetin dey mind.

Musa stand, shift, sip water.

E dey delay, dey dodge eye contact. Na real Naija man move.

"Oh, I wan marry you."

I drop am like bomb. No time for story. I dey test e mind.

Pshhh—

Water spray from e mouth, cup drop for table, roll like tyre for gutter. E shock!

Musa just choke, cup fall, roll for ground.

The thing hit table, everybody for dream dey freeze.

E look me like e wan tear my skin.

If to say e fit slap me, e for try. But na dream, so we dey even.

"Ifeoma, na you dey enter my dream. You no fit…"

E dey fumble for words. Shame dey hold am, but e dey vex.

"No fit wetin?"

I dey smile small, dey tease am. Make e talk true mind.

Musa dey look me, shame dey him eye. "You no fit disgrace me like this. I no go marry you."

E voice crack. I dey enjoy the drama.

See story!

Na me dey propose for dream, Musa dey dodge like spirit go slap am.

"How I dey disgrace you?"

I wan hear, make e explain. Na spirit record I dey keep.

Musa face another side.

E dey hide. E no wan look my eye. Grown man dey fear woman spirit.

I waka go block am. "Talk am well—how I disgrace you?"

I stand for front, hands for waist. I dey act like market woman.

Musa press lips, keep quiet.

E dey stubborn. E no wan open mouth, but e eye dey talk.

I clap hand, light bulb flash. "Oh, na because you use me for your blue film dream? You dey fear say I go laugh you?"

I gree, I catch am. Musa dey run from shame. I gree talk am for am.

"No be so?"

I dey press am. Make e confess.

Musa lower eye, cold like freezer.

E voice low, e face hard. Pain dey e heart, but e no wan show am.

"You don catch my weak point. You happy? Wetin you wan call me? Pervert? Madman? Person wey no reach your level?"

E dey try protect self. I see hurt inside e eye.

Wetin this guy dey yarn?

E dey overthink. Nobody dey judge am except e own mind.

I wan kiss am.

I dey move near, my eye dey smile. I dey plan small mischief.

I bend near, dey smile. "Musa, abeg, focus. I dey ask if you go marry me—how be that disgrace?"

I yarn like person wey dey sell gala for traffic—confident, no shame.

Struggle just flash for Musa eye, but e quickly bone.

E wan talk truth, but pride no gree. E gree for small second, then cover up.

"My house too small for big god like you."

E dey run banter, but pain dey underneath. I dey feel am.

Oya, time for last card.

I dey ready to press last button. Underworld policy dey my back.

"Everybody for underworld don hear say you sleep with me!"

I shout am. I dey threaten small, dey press e shame button.

Musa freeze.

E stiff, eye wide. Na real shock.

I knock table, vex. "E don spread everywhere! Me, I be pure girl, you use me for dream anyhow. And na the one I catch be that—who know how many times you don do am for back—"

I dey count e wahala, dey remind am say this matter no end here. Spirit rumor dey fly.

Musa just turn, cover my mouth, ear don red.

E dey beg me shut up. Shame dey finish am. If to say e fit disappear, e for do am.

"Shut up! Who send you talk am? You get mind—"

E dey warn me, but spirit no dey fear warning.

I remove him hand, dey look am with hope.

I dey peep, dey check if e go agree.

Musa still dey bone, wan talk more.

E dey form hard, but I know say e heart dey soft.

I just kiss am.

Spirit kiss dey sweet, especially when tension dey. I land one, everywhere quiet.

Better. Everywhere quiet.

Spirit world hush. Even Sade dey peep from window, dey smile.

"So, you go marry me or not?"

I dey press for final answer. E no fit dodge again.

Musa press lips, finally gree: "Marry…"

The yes no loud, but na yes. Underworld fit now balance record.

Spirit ring cold for table—love, regret, and wahala dey wait for next round.