Chapter 3: Campus Survival Tactics

Of course na top I be.

Na from small I dey reason say if love land, na me go dey give orders. My papa say my head strong. All my friends for secondary school dey call me area commander.

I never date anybody before, but before I jam Musa Chukwuma, I sure say I be top.

I dey form hard guy. Even for hostel, if boys dey drag bed, na me dey separate fight. I believe say, if chance show, I go show myself well.

So when I sneak Musa Chukwuma comot from healing centre, see that fine face, I sure die say I be top.

The way him lips pink like zobo, I dey tell myself, "O boy, na you go run things here."

But as I pull Musa Chukwuma’s trouser look...

My mouth hang. Wetin my eye see, even head of department go salute.

I change my mind sharp sharp. I gree be bottom.

No shame. Life na turn by turn. For this level, I gats respect talent. To waste that kind body, abeg, na abomination.

With body like Musa Chukwuma own, to waste am na real crime.

I just dey imagine how village women go hail am for new yam festival—na real man be this.

So, for one year, I dey hustle everyday, dey gather intimacy points.

Na so I dey use every trick for book, try am with Musa body. Even dey give myself motivational talk: "No dull, you fit do am."

My abs sef don turn to concrete eight-pack.

Even small pikin for hostel dey salute me—"Uncle pack, show us muscle!" If dem put my body for social media, na influencer I go turn.

Now, as the system dey gossip, pride make me raise chest: "Abeg, na top I be. Person wey manly like me, e fit be anything else?"

I flex small. If dem dey rate manliness, na my picture go dey poster.

Sharp sharp, system shout: "Wow, host, you dey too manly! You even make horror boss be bottom—na legend you be!"

If dem dey dash medal for mouth, I go don collect gold. But I just dey laugh like say na cruise.

I ignore the guilt wey dey bite me, just dey form: "Na so."

Na Naija way: if guilt dey bite, package. I just dey maintain straight face, dey pray make wahala pass me.

As I dey gist with system, I rush dress up, ready to disappear.

My mind dey race. Na so I dey fumble with my shirt button, dey pack my bag with one hand, dey check window with another eye.

No time to pack all my load—just grab my bag, begin run for my life.

If you see as I dey rush like Okada man wey see LASTMA, you go pity me. Na so slippers nearly cut.

Next day, bag for hand, na so I reach University of Makurdi gate.

The sun dey hot, my armpit dey wet. I just dey reason say, "Na here I go start new life?" But wetin man go do? System don already pave road for me.

Even though I transmigrate, system forge new identity for me here, say make I continue as freshman for my old course—economic management.

My new ID card sharp, even hostel list get my name. Even department secretary dey greet me—na real arrangement.

E tell me make I relax, say e don use special trick so boss no go fit smell my scent again.

I carry nose sniff armpit, just dey hope say na true system talk. For this Makurdi, breeze fit carry scent reach market.

I shock: "Wait, you mean say before now, he dey fit smell me?"

I nearly drop my bag. Na so? So all this while, I dey waka with spiritual odour?

System quiet.

I dey tap mic for my mind—"System, you dey hear me so?"

After long silence, e yarn small voice: "...I just find out too. He almost catch you—he even reach university gate... But no wahala, I don clear your scent. Just dey spray floral water well well. Before, that your body lotion dey too strong."

If person see my face, e go think say I chop sour mango. So na my body cream be the culprit since? Village people sef.

I mutter: "So I no fit just skip school?"

My plan na to dodge lecture, dey sleep for bush if possible. But system no wan hear.

System: "No way. I don pay your school fees finish, put the remaining money for your campus card. I dey broke now. Unless you wan sleep for street?"

E even sound like landlord wey dey chase tenant. For this Nigeria, to get bed space na war.

I...

No wahala.

Wetin man go do? I just gats use my head. If dem say go, I go. Make I no go sleep under mango tree with snakes.

I go supermarket, buy one big Eva floral body spray, pour am like say I dey bath.

My hostel room begin smell like flower market. Even my roommate dey ask, "Omo, na burial you dey go?" I just smile, no talk.

Next day, as I dey play game for dorm, door just open.

I no even wear shirt finish. My pad dey ground. Na so my heart begin drum. I just hope say na normal human being enter.

Looks like my last roommate don finally land.

E fit be one of those gentle guys from Jos or strong man from Benin. I just dey hope say e no go be wahala person.

One man waka enter.

As the door open, light scatter for inside. Breeze from corridor just blow my floral scent reach junction. My mind dey reason, "Who be this?"

I never even see the guy face, but I fit tell say he tall—him hair nearly touch doorframe.

That kind height na only basket baller dey get am. For my mind, I dey imagine how him dey fit waka through hostel door everyday.

This roommate no fit short pass 1.9 meters.

No be beans. Even security guard for hostel dey look up to am. For my mind, I dey think—if wahala show, this one fit block door for me.

As gay guy, na leg dey sweet me pass for men.

My friends dey laugh me, say I dey always check leg first. But abeg, na man dey know wetin e want.

Hmm, e make sense—long, straight.

The way him jeans dey balance for leg, na like say tailor sew am for shrine. Na so I dey appreciate fine work.

I look up, black shirt hug lean waist, one hand for pocket, the other just dey—slim, fair, long finger.

Fingers wey be like say dem dey play piano for church every Sunday. Na all these small details dey trip person.

I think, if him face even fine small, this guy na real spec for gay community.

All those dating app for Lagos, na this kind person go dey top trending.

As I wan peep him face, na so thunder fire me.

My mind blank, na so I dey feel like NEPA just take light.

My leg weak, I kneel down straight.

E no even reach one second, my body don betray me. This one pass normal wahala.

Yawa—

My spirit dey shout inside, "E don happen!" Sweat just dey roll from my forehead.

Na Musa Chukwuma.

Musa Chukwuma clear, fine eyes dey look me. My body just dey shake like say ant dey run for my back.

The way him eyes dey shine, na so cold dey cut me. Even mosquito for room freeze.

I rush stand up, try form: "I... my leg cramp, na all."

I try package but my voice dey tremble like generator wey dey knock.

No wait for him talk, I carry my load, run comot dorm.

I no even check if my boxers dey outside. I just dey find exit like rat wey see cat.

Help!

If dem dey give award for speed, na me go carry am. E be like say Musa go pursue me come dream.

How Musa Chukwuma take become my roommate?

This world get as e be. System fit wan use my head do experiment. Or na my village people dey plot?

I need change room!

If I no run, na obituary poster go carry my face.