Chapter 2: Shame on the Tiles

That night, after everybody bath finish, I enter bathroom.

I dey carry my bucket, my sponge, dey waka soft so nobody go notice me too much. I dey avoid all the noise.

When I dey find school, na because I like say their hostel get private bathroom.

No be all school get this kind better. Some dey use common bathroom. Here, I fit hide small.

After I bath, I feel small better.

The water cool my body, my mind relax. I fit breathe again.

I put my pant for basin, dey plan wash the blood comot.

I dey rush, dey look door every second. My hand dey shake small, but I gats do am.

Na that time, one roommate knock door. “Uche, fit enter come carry something?”

Fear catch me, my hand drop basin, gbam, everywhere echo.

The basin sound loud, e bounce for tile. My heart almost stop.

“Uche, wetin happen inside?”

I dey rush tie towel for chest, my body dey hot, my mind dey run. Chai, if dem burst enter now, wetin I go talk? My mind dey do race.

As e dey talk, I see say the bathroom handle dey turn.

I dey beg for my mind, make nobody burst enter. My secret fit just scatter.

“No come in!”

I quickly tie my bathrobe well.

Musa stop the roommate for door, im voice cold. “Uche from the east—e no dey like people dey near am when e dey bath.”

E voice deep, like person wey dey talk law. The other guy pause, respect Musa small.

“Ohh, okay. Sorry!”

I hear the footsteps commot. E be like say my heart begin beat again.

“No... no wahala.”

I talk am with shaky voice. I try form say I dey alright but fear still dey inside.

Even though nothing happen, my heart still dey beat anyhow.

My head dey spin, I dey think say my cover almost spoil. E almost pain me pass period.

After I bath, I hang my cloth for balcony make e dry.

I dey look left and right, dey make sure say nobody dey watch. I dey hurry, just want hide everything.

From corner of my eye, I see Musa dey rub the hand wey I bite, bite mark still dey clear.

E sit for balcony small, dey look sky, im hand dey im mouth, like person wey dey think deep.

Guilt just hold me again.

The mark red, e be like small pox for im skin. My chest tight.

I really wound am.

If na person wey get short temper, e for don shout for me. But Musa just quiet.

E go hate me more now.

I dey think say maybe e go dey tell people say I dey mad. But e just dey mind im business.

That night, after everybody don sleep, I use the quiet take on my phone, for small light, dey look Musa pictures.

I dey hide under my blanket, dey scroll. I dey zoom im face, dey smile for myself. My chest dey sweet me, but na secret.

Na pictures wey I snap when e no dey look.

One of dem na the one wey e dey read book for bed, light from im table lamp just shine for im cheek. I dey look that picture sotey I dey forget my own wahala.

In fact, apart from my body, even the way I dey reason love, e different from wetin my people dey expect.

Since small, I no dey see things the same way as others. Na only for my mind I dey fit talk true.

For secondary school, Musa na academic star for the school near our own, always first for every joint exam.

I dey remember the first time I see am—e dey answer question for debate, voice steady, eye dey shine. Na that day I talk for myself say I go beat this boy for result.

Since then, na him I dey use as target for my book.

Even when I dey read at night, na im face dey my mind. E motivate me.

When I hear say I enter the same university with am, I happy sotey I fit burst.

I no tell anybody, but I dey do small dance for my room that day. E be like miracle.

To hide say I like am, I dey act rival, always dey drag GPA with am.

For class, I go always dey raise hand before am. People go dey wonder why we dey compete like that.

Nobody go ever suspect say na that kind like I get for am.

Everybody dey think say I just dey show, but na only me know say na love dey push me.

Sometimes I dey think, if to say I be normal boy, I for just make friends with am sharp sharp, no be this our cold-cold roommate level.

I dey wonder say, how life go be if my body no dey different. If I fit just open up, talk as e dey my mind.

I like am.

E dey hard me to talk am, but na true. Na only inside dark I dey fit yarn myself the truth.

Especially as e dey sleep for bunk wey dey face my own.

When light off, I go dey peep im face for shadow. E chest dey rise and fall, na music for me.

I dey listen to how e dey breathe, dey look im picture.

If e turn for bed, my heart go skip. I dey wonder if e dey dream of me, or e dey think another thing.

The hostel quiet sotey you fit hear everybody dey breathe.

Sometimes, even rat no dey run. Everybody dey deep sleep, na so silence dey heavy.

But that time, I no fit hold myself—I let one small moan comot.

E weak me, the sound just escape. I bite my pillow quick.

I freeze immediately.

My eyes wide. I dey listen, dey pray make nobody hear.

The bed curtain for front shift small.

I fit see small hand movement. My chest dey drum.

Musa turn for bed, but e no wake.

I dey look, dey hope say e go just sleep back. My body dey sweat.

I hold my breath, listen well. As I see say nothing happen, I relax, waka go bathroom wash my face, dey blame myself.

I dey look mirror, dey talk to myself say, "Uche, you wan use yourself do ritual? See as you dey misbehave."

If Musa sabi say person like me dey think about am like this, e go just dey vex.

Maybe e fit stop to talk to me, or e fit yarn other boys. My mind dey heavy.

I must keep this secret for inside my heart.

As I waka back to my bed, I dey pray say make dream just carry me, make I forget tonight wahala.