Chapter 2: Guilt, Honey Milk, and Flashbacks

Chijioke na only son of Papa white moonlight, Chief Okafor.

For my area, Okafor family na correct people—dem get respect, but sometimes their wahala pass my own. The gist for street na say Chijioke dey gentle but him papa na man wey like big things. E show for the way dem dey carry body.

After my mama die, papa wey dey pamper me anyhow, for the first time no gree hear my voice, just force marry Chijioke mama.

That day, rain fall for our street as if e dey mourn with me. Neighbours come with rice, some come gossip. Even Aunty Ngozi carry her two pikin follow waka, dey look me with pity-eye.

I be sixteen that time, stubborn well well. How I go gree say strange brother go just land for my life?

I no send anybody. I no even answer greeting. If dem talk, I hiss, walk enter room, lock door. My stubbornness na legend that year.

And na the woman wey I hate pass for this life born am.

The way I dey look that woman, even devil go fear. I fit roast yam for my eye, no go look her direction. Neighbours sabi say wahala don enter my papa house.

From that day, I no ever give Chijioke joy.

For my mind, na my own revenge. If I see am for corridor, I fit push am small. If dem send am errand, I fit add join, just to stress am. Everybody for compound dey beg me, but I no dey hear word.

For school, e dey help me do my shift; for house, e dey behave like loyal puppy, always dey answer my command. As long as I just show small vex, Chijioke go suffer.

The guy na real olodo for wahala. Sometimes, e go kneel dey beg. Sometimes, e go help me buy gala and La Casera for school break. My friends dey tease am, call am 'houseboy', but e no mind.

I remember one time, papa and Chijioke mama travel abroad, miss my birthday, na so I pour all my anger for Chijioke head.

That night, I off all the lights for house, on generator small. No cake, no present, only Chijioke dey do 'happy birthday' for me with small cupcake. I vex, throw the cake, push am go downstairs.

I no gree make am chop, no let am sleep upstairs, even force am, as e wear thin cloth, make e stand for harmattan build snowman for me as first cold breeze blow…

That harmattan cold na die. My ear nearly break, harmattan dey cut like blade. Even my wrapper no fit save me that night. If not say neighbours dey watch, e for sleep outside. Even the street dogs pity am that night.

The guilt just dey choke me—I no even wan remember am.

As I dey stand for kitchen, I dey bite my lip. For my mind, na only sorry dey. I no fit even reason the number of times wey I don stress this boy. Na so Naija conscience dey catch person.

I stand up, go kitchen warm milk.

For Naija, hot milk dey heal body. Even mama for compound dey use am chase cold away. I pour small honey join—no be every house fit buy honey, but for Okafor house, dem no dey use sugar anyhow. If I no do am, e no go drink.

Chijioke no dey sleep well—hot milk go help am.

I dey careful make the cup no break, waka like cat reach him door. My heart dey knock.

I carry the milk, waka softly reach him door.

For corridor, only my toe dey touch ground. The tray dey shake, but I try balance am. I stop for door, inhale, prepare myself.

Before I fit knock, na so door open.

The door just open for my face. If na village story, I for think say e get juju.

Chijioke stand for there with loose Ankara robe, chest wide open. My eye just wander go down.

The Ankara na blue and yellow, design fine die. As the cloth open, my eye jump pass chest, go down. I quickly look up again before person catch me.

My eye waka pass him strong chest, down him abs, enter the shadow below—

Ehn ehn, make person no catch me dey look.

"Ahem…"

The sound choke for my throat. I try form as if na cough dey worry me, but I know say e be like frog wey jam wall.

Chijioke ear don red. E sharply arrange him collar, dey act shy. "Anything dey?"

The way him ear red na real film. I fit fry akara for am. Na small shy smile play for im mouth, but e try cover am.

I look away quick. "I warm milk for you. You go drink?"

I form big madam, but my voice low. I pass the cup as if I dey share communion wine.

E shock small, but nod. "Thank you."

E press lips, stretch hand collect the cup.

As I pass the cup, our finger brush—my own hand cold, e own dey warm. My heart do gbim. The way our hands brush, na current pass. I feel cold for my finger, like person touch ice block. That small touch, e weak me, but I pretend say e no mean anything.

I shift my finger, allow my fingertip touch am small.

The cold touch give me goosebumps. Our eye jam, I see as e swallow hard.

I see as im chest rise, e no even wan look my face. I try look away, but I still dey watch am from corner eye.

Na that time WhatsApp comments show again:

[Babe, you wan kill our second guy so?]

[All that cold shower last night don waste!]

[Before main guy show and heartbreak start, abeg just gree for am now now!]

The comments dey carry extra pepper, like person put suya spice inside my matter. My ear dey hot. I shift leg, no know if I go run or stay.

I nearly laugh, but I hold face strong—no let online people know say dem dey affect me. As I remember wetin go still happen, I bite my lip. "Chijioke, you ever, for night… think of me?"

I close my eye small, voice low like person wey dey beg for forgiveness. My heart dey race, hope say make ground swallow me. I dey take risk, but e be like say I no fit stop myself.

……

WhatsApp comments scatter:

[Wait, she talk wetin I hear so? Babe dey flirt now?!]

[Aaaaaah, make I answer for am—every night e dey think of you, babe!]

[Babe: You ever, for night, think of me? Second guy: Even pikin go carry your surname.]

[Ah, see as our guy dey shake—tension too much, abeg who fit imagine wetin go happen for bed…]

My head just dey heat. The WhatsApp comments dey mad, dey jump like beans for pot. I wan cover face, but I gats hear Chijioke answer.

I ignore the WhatsApp comments wey dey make my face hot, dey wait for Chijioke answer.

E dey stammer small, like person wey police catch. Im eyes red, like say e dey fight with him own spirit.

E eyes red, like say e dey fight something for inside.

"Sisi," e talk with rough voice, "you fit use me anyhow you like, but abeg no dey joke with this kind thing again."

E voice be like thunder wey wan rain. E no even wan look my face, but e dey plead inside.

"I no dey joke."

I waka near am, voice dey shake. "I mean am, I…"

I step near, leg dey shake. Na only courage from heaven dey hold me. My voice no loud, but e clear.

Chijioke look me, eyes just dey shine under light, like say tears wan drop.

Im eyes dey shine, as if e dey carry whole Lagos flood inside. The thing touch me.

Suddenly, I no fit talk again.

Words just choke for my throat. My tongue heavy. Silence dey press my chest.

Chijioke no happy say I talk am—e dey pain am.

E turn face small, as if e dey swallow pain. I dey see am, my heart just dey shake, dey scatter.

[Guy, wetin happen? No be now you suppose carry her hug, kiss am like those Nollywood lover boys?]

[No be so, maybe second guy dey reason which style e go use.]

[E dey think say babe dey use am play? She don do this kind thing before sha…]

My mind dey race—wetin I don do before? The WhatsApp comments dey suggest say na me dey cause all this tension. My own don pass play.

I really do this kind embarrassing thing before?

I close my eyes, try remember. My heart dey pound. Na real wahala be this. Maybe na my fault, maybe I don cross line before. My mind dey replay old scenes like village drama.

As I dey look the WhatsApp comments, memory from three years ago just show…

For my eighteenth birthday, as I dey vex for Chief Okafor say e carry papa from me, I plan make I put something for Chijioke drink.

I remember that night well—rain dey beat zinc roof, I dey vex like person wey dem cheat for WAEC. I enter kitchen, pour small ogogoro join juice, plan say make e high small. Wickedness fit person sometimes.

When e don dey high, I waka enter him bed.

I tiptoe reach room, light dey low. I sit for bed, look am. I dey reason if I fit go far, if I fit make am regret ever enter my papa house. I be real stubborn that time, na only God know.

Like wicked babe for story, I call papa just as Chijioke dey confuse.

Chijioke no fit talk. As papa enter, e just see two of us for bed. Papa face strong, e vex.

As papa rush enter, na man wey dey try hold me strong e see.

Papa shout, slap fly, noise scatter house. Neighbours for compound dey peep window, dey wonder wetin dey happen.

I no even remember how that night finish.

Everything just blank. Only the sound of slap, Chijioke groan, and my own tears remain for my memory.

I only sabi say next day, slap mark still dey Chijioke pale face, and e dey limp as e come downstairs.

For days after, anytime I see am limp, my chest go seize. I go wan talk sorry, but my stubborn mouth no gree.

I look am once, but no fit look am again.

The injury for him leg na papa cause am, as e panic slap am. The mark for him face… na Chief Okafor give am.

That morning, silence hold the house. Chijioke waka with one leg dey drag, eye red. Nobody fit talk, everybody dey fear.

"I go move out."

For breakfast, Chijioke bow deep for papa. "Thank you for taking care of my mama, and… I dey sorry."

The bow na deep Yoruba bow, head almost touch table. Papa just sigh, drop fork. My chest dey shake.

I dey chew my bread like goat wey dey chop yam peel, taste of milk still for mouth, but my heart just dey pain me, dey numb.

I dey bite bread like cardboard. I no even fit swallow, my mouth dey dry, my throat lock.

After Chijioke waka, papa wey no dey ever shout for me, na that day e first shout for me.

Papa voice loud, e shout so te chair for parlour shake. E call my full name, say make I dey careful. Tears gather for my eye, but I no let am drop.

Normally, I for talk back, but I just keep quiet.

My stubbornness melt like ice-cream for sun. I just lower my head, no talk, no move.

But instead make I feel happy say I get revenge, na only guilt and confusion full my mind.

The joy wey I think say I go get, e no come. Instead, na heavy shame and small fear dey cover me. My body just dey shake.

Everybody sabi say that night na just my over-sabi prank.

Neighbours dey gossip outside, but everybody know say I too dey do. The thing pain my papa, pain me pass.

But from beginning reach end, Chijioke no ever talk for himself—not even one word.

Even Chief Okafor sef.

Chief Okafor just dey look from corner, him face no show emotion. As if e no concern am. The silence loud.

As I remember, I just squeeze my fist.

The memory dey burn my palm. I press hand for leg, try hide the tears wey dey show for my eye.

"Sleep early," Chijioke change topic. "Tomorrow we get party to attend. If you no sleep, headache go catch you."

Him voice calm, but I hear pain inside. I wan talk, but words jam for my throat.

As I wan answer, WhatsApp comments just fill up above Chijioke head:

[Tomorrow, babe go meet that main guy—shine like sun, hot and stubborn!]

[No go that party, babe! I still dey enjoy this fake sibling romance with our guy!]

[Chai, this author wicked. I even use my snack money tip you. Abeg, change the story, sob sob!]

[Sigh, if only babe dey hear us, she for just dey happy with second guy.]

[But I think babe no hate second guy again. Maybe she dey reason am? Or na my mind dey deceive me?]

[Me too… I think babe don dey wise up. Abi na malaria dey worry me?]

[Babe, if author dey hold you for ransom, abeg blink two times!]

The comments dey funny, but I dey reason say na my own life dem dey play with. I just look up, blink.

I blink well.

I blink two times, then three times, just to check if these spirit people fit answer me.

No reply from WhatsApp comments.

Na so my mind cool small. I carry pillow, press for face, try shut out everything.

I blink again, quick quick.

My eye dey pain me, but I no stop. For my mind, if I blink enough, dem go see me, talk to me, maybe help my matter.

Before I fit check if dem go answer, Chijioke waka come, bend down, ask softly, "Wetin do your eye?"

Im voice low, as if e dey fear disturb mosquito. E bend near, hand hover for my shoulder.

I form excuse. "Maybe something enter inside."

I cover face with hand, pretend say dust dey worry me. My pride no go let me talk true.

Chijioke try reach me with right hand, but before e touch my face, e just drop am.

E pause, as if e dey fear cross line. Him fingers just dey shake, but e pull back.

"Try wash am with water."

Him voice calm, but concern dey inside. For my mind, I dey see say e still care, even after all my wahala.

One idea jam me. I lean close to him hand. "Then you help me wash am, abeg?"

Na small voice I use, like pikin wey dey beg for sweet. I open my eye, look am, try form innocent.

I pout. "See, my nails long, if I poke my eye, e go pain me."

I wiggle my finger, show am my fine, long acrylic nail wey I just fix for Mama Blessing shop. I fit use am wound myself if I try.

Chijioke shock. "Before, you no dey like make I touch you."

The surprise for him face funny me. I wan laugh, but I hold am. For Naija house, if person change, everybody go notice.

"That one na before."

I smile, drag him hand come. E hand cool and slim. "I don change."

I grip am, feel the veins for im wrist. My smile dey genuine, not the one wey I dey use before. For my mind, I dey admit say I don miss am.

This time, I see WhatsApp comments just dey go crazy.

Dem dey shout, dey jump, dey dance. I feel their excitement like generator wey just start after blackout. E dey ginger me.