Chapter 1: Transmigrated Papa Don Land

After I realize say I don transmigrate enter the role of the notorious wicked papa, my real face don surface, no more forming.

Omo, my eye never see this kain gbege before. Dem just bundle me land inside one popular TV parenting show—before I fit even clear my eye finish. The hot lights dey blind, camera crew dey waka up and down, and that too-sabi host dey talk as if na dem born all of us—real wahala don land.

Na so dem drag me for inside parenting reality show, and my so-called well-behaved son dey fight like tiger with the Movie Queen’s stubborn pikin.

No lie, from day one for that set, na so my son and that Amara stubborn boy dey carry wahala for head. The way two of them dey drag matter, even village masquerade go think twice before e separate dem. Cameramen dey dodge, fear make dem no collect stray slap.

People online just dey drag my son say him rude, drag me say I be useless papa, even talk say I join show to chase Movie Queen.

Online people no dey use brake. Every small clip dem see, na dragging, insults, and gbas gbos. Dem go yarn say na me spoil my pikin, say I dey use eye follow fine woman, say my own for the show na just gra-gra for camera. If na Twitter, I for don use my MTN data block half my village by now. If I dey count all the dragging, my MTN data for finish.

I no reason am again, I just knack the Movie Queen’s son one hot slap for him bum: “So you think say e good to dey beat people? You wan make I barb your head? Oya, go face wall, think about your life for your papa!”

As wahala just dey too much, I nor even reason am again. Na so I knack Tega correct slap for him yansh, make e feel am well. “You think say to dey beat people good? Abi you wan make I carry clipper barb your head low cut? Oya, go face wall, think about your life! For your papa house, na so dem dey do?” My voice carry that Papa Ijebu authority, and for a moment, everywhere just cool like early harmattan morning.

Tega freeze, eye wide, mouth open. For two seconds, everywhere quiet—camera, crew, even breeze stop. Then, he burst cry like generator wey dem just on for rainy season.

Bullet comments: “Why e be say the way he dey scold am dey sweet me?”

People just dey type anyhow, bullet comments dey run for screen like NTA teletext. Some dey laugh, some dey vex, but plenty dey confess say the way I dey para get as e dey do them for body. One person even yarn: "Na so correct papa suppose be, no long talk, just action!"

Middle of the night, Movie Queen come knock my door hard: “Your first son no gree sleep. How you wan do am? As papa, you only care about one pikin?”

That night as I dey try close eye, na only to hear gbam gbam gbam for my door. Amara herself appear, wrapper tie well, face squeeze like she dey owe NEPA bill. "Your first son just dey roll for bed, no gree sleep. As papa, na only one pikin you fit care for? Abeg, come carry your wahala." The sleep wey fly from my eye ehn, only God know.

Dem drag me from bed, I just vex: “Abeg, you no fit pet am yourself? Na you born am—why you dey ask me how to make your own son sleep? Or na me born you?”

With my eye red from sleep wey dem thief, I stand up, vex full my mouth. "See, abeg, you no fit use style pet your own pikin? No be you born am? Why you dey find my trouble for night? Or na me born you join?" I knack am that typical Naija comeback, make she know say two can play.

Bullet comments: [wahala don burst]

Online people just dey scream, some dey use "Wahala don burst!" "Two stubborn people for one house, who go gree?" Even meme with my face full internet. Some dey talk say na so my village people dey reason for midnight family meeting.

After the show air, the supposed male lead—wey suppose be the hottest guy—just lose all him shine.

After the thing drop for TV, all the people wey dey crush for main guy begin cool like fridge. E no reach one week, all fangirls shift camp. The guy shine before, but now, na only my papa wahala people dey yarn about. Even elders for community WhatsApp group dey debate am.

Instead, na all these big men come dey carry their children come beg me: “Mr. Nnamdi, abeg, fit help me flog my stubborn pikin, or at least give am one correct scolding…”

Before you fit shout "God abeg," na so all these big politicians, local government chairmen, and even retired bishop dey send their pikin to me. "Mr. Nnamdi, abeg, just help me correct this my boy, give am one slap make e hear word." Dem say na only my kind scolding fit reset stubborn child head. Omo, I for charge dem per slap!

Movie Queen come vex: “My husband dey take care of only me and my son. If anybody try to make am divorce and marry again, no blame me if lawyer letter land for your head.”

That Amara no dey carry last. She face camera, full chest: "Make everybody hear now—my husband dey care for only me and my son. If una like make una ship or drag, if any person try use TV wahala take break my marriage, abeg, no cry if lawyer letter enter your compound."

You for see as online people scatter! I just reason say, na only Naija woman fit do that kind public warning, voice strong like generator.

But as I dey eye Amara from across the room, camera light just flash—na that moment I know say wahala don tie wrapper for my head.