Chapter 4: Watching and Waiting

After my shower, I came out. Before I could say anything, Derek grabbed his pajamas and went into the bathroom himself.

I couldn’t figure out what he was upset about.

He said I was mad, but clearly he was the one in a mood.

I lay on the bed, bored, playing a farming game on my phone, thinking about how to coax him later.

Tonight, Derek had an event and texted me to pick him up.

A driver could’ve done it, but he insisted I come. Maybe he just couldn’t stand me having nothing to do and wanted to find me a task.

So I went.

The air outside the club reeked of spilled beer and cheap cologne, and I kept my distance, watching the door like a hawk.

To avoid being late, I left early and ended up waiting a while.

I squatted by the curb, watching ants move crumbs. I even opened a pack of Oreos and nibbled, sharing the crumbs with them.

The pavement was warm under my sneakers, the city night buzzing. I traced little circles on the sidewalk, making a private game out of how many ants would show up if I dropped a crumb.

Watching the ants was easier than watching Derek—at least the ants didn’t lie.

By the time the ants hauled away their third crumb, Derek finally came out.

I heard voices and turned.

At 6’2”, Derek stood out in any crowd.

To his left was my dad, all 5’6” of him, with a fawning smile on his face.

I grabbed another cookie crumb, ready to get up and meet them, when suddenly a girl lifted her skirt and ran toward Derek.

“Derek, did you come to see me?”

Her voice was bright, her eyes sparkling as she looked up at him.

“Did you know I was coming back to the States today?”

Huh.

Old flames meeting, huh?

I squatted back down.

Kept watching the ants haul food.

So satisfying.

Grabbed another cookie.

The ants took it again.

Wow, I’m such a good person. The ants definitely won’t go hungry today.

As I watched, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

It was Derek: [Babe, are you here to pick me up?]

I’m here.

Watching ants.

I finished the last cookie, stood up, and walked over to him.

“I’m here.”

He turned and strode toward me.

I was about to go to him, but as soon as I took a step, I froze.

Crap, I squatted too long—my legs are numb.

We weren’t far apart, so he quickly reached me and scooped me up.

He grinned, but I could tell he was still thinking about that girl. “Babe, I missed you so much.”

I opened my mouth to speak but saw that girl from earlier staring at me from a distance.

My brain short-circuited, and I blurted out, “Done catching up with your old flame?”

Derek frowned. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Babe, I—”

I cut him off. “Can we go home first?”

Stop calling me ‘babe.’

My legs are numb.

So uncomfortable.

Just want to die.

Derek held my hand and said nothing.

In the car, I looked down at my phone, Googling what to do about numb legs, completely ignoring him.

We were silent all the way home.

Once my legs recovered, I bounced over to open my pile of Amazon packages.

After opening two, I got to the box of tampons and suddenly remembered something important.

I grabbed my phone and rushed out.

Derek asked, “Where are you going?”

I made something up: “I’ve been cooped up all day, just need some air.”

He didn’t stop me.

I zigzagged to the pharmacy, bought a pregnancy test, and followed the instructions.

Turns out, I really was pregnant.

Terrible.

I want to die.

The fluorescent lights in the pharmacy flickered a little, and I could smell the faint trace of bleach from where someone had just mopped the tile. The cashier barely glanced at me, but I felt like everyone in the store could see right through me. I stood in the bathroom stall at the back, reading the box three times before tearing it open, my hands shaking. All I wanted was for the pink lines not to appear. But there they were, bright as stoplights.