Chapter 1: Table Talk and Setup

If you hear wetin my fiancé dey talk about me for him guys’ hangout, you go think say I be wahala babe wey no get home training. Omo, as dem dey order nkwobi and cold Star, gist dey flow like traffic for Ojuelegba. My matter go land for table steady, even when dem dey play FIFA for house, Timi go use me do cruise. Dem go laugh, clap back, but him own na always to dey run me down as if I too dey clingy. Sometimes, he go even use am gist for WhatsApp group. My spirit don tire for the matter, but wetin I fit do? E be like say as I dey, my love dey choke am.

“She too dey carry love for head, e dey tire person. If no be because of my mama, I for don dump am since.”

Anytime I hear say he talk that kind thing, e dey pepper my chest. I no fit even vex too much because I dey suspect say na only my mama dey hold my matter for him house. Na wah, e be like say family dey use me do debt repayment.

After dem hear the complaints tire, him best padi come decide to help am.

You know as guy code be—if your padi dey complain, you go wan help am solve am. Sani, the one wey sabi everybody secret, just nod head, form helper. He sharp like that, always wan find solution even if na wahala e go cause.

“I go run her matter for you. Once you get proof say she dey cheat, you fit break up with her without wahala.”

Na so dem dey reason am for Naija o—once you wan free person, just find excuse, abeg. You no fit just waka go, e get as e be. Sani dey yarn like say e dey do community service. Dem think say once dem get evidence, na straight, no need for all the long talk.

My fiancé just bone, “That one? She dey craze for me reach to die. How she wan take cheat? If you no believe, try am na.”

E be like say Timi sure say I no fit ever do anyhow, so e just dey brag like say na national cake e be. You see am, e get small pride for the matter. All this one na ego, na so dem dey do.

Na so him guy use fake account DM me, attach one selfie wey show him six packs, tell me make I guess who him be.

As I see the DM, I first laugh. In my mind, I dey reason, na who wan run package for me? The pose sef na for bathroom mirror, chest dey shine, dem put filter join. Na so person go dey do for Lagos—you think say you smart. I look the handle, the profile just dey empty, but my street sense quick clock say na set up.

I reply sharp sharp: “Babe, I no sabi who you be o, but you dey form distance. Oga, abeg talk straight, no dey do anyhow.”

If you see my reply, you go know say I no dey send. I just run am cruise. For Lagos, if you no sabi cruise, dem go use you shine. I even add laughing emoji join. E no good make person dull for this Lagos.