Chapter 2: Snapshots, Shade, and Red Lipstick

I just dey look as she arrange all the plates and bowls for table, line dem well, then bring out phone begin snap from every angle. She dey bend left, dey bend right. Plate set like photoshoot, na so I dey look am. For my mind, I dey think say maybe she go post for Instagram, tag chef join.

She hand me her phone, like say na normal thing: “I like to dey document my life—abeg help me snap more.”

Babe no even beg well, na command she give. I just collect phone, dey try form good boy. Wetin I go do? Say no?

If I refuse, dem fit say I dey stingy with camera skill. So, I snap am, try get her good angle. Make e no be say na me spoil her feed.

After I snap like twelve, I tease, “Hope I no make your head big pass plate for picture o?”

She laugh, give me side-eye: “If my head big, na you go hear am for WhatsApp group.”

At least she praise my handiwork. E no easy to please Lagos babe, ehn.

As we dey eat, na so so complain. This one no sweet, that one texture dey off, the sushi no reach the one she chop before…

Every chop get review—babe dey yarn like food critic for YouTube. Me I just dey chew, dey swallow.

If person never chop with somebody wey dey complain anyhow, e no go know as e dey spoil appetite.

You go begin dey ask yourself whether na garri you suppose order instead.

Maybe my face show am, because she ask: “I dey spend plenty. You dey vex say na here I choose?”

She dey look my face like say she dey expect fight. I just dey form calm.

I say, “No o, nothing like that.”

No be today I dey hear say "no problem", when problem dey full ground. But I keep face straight.

She say, “To be honest, I surprise say you gree sharp sharp when I suggest this restaurant.”

She dey look me up and down. Na so e be—babe wan know if you dey form big boy.

So na so she reason say I no fit afford am.

She dey test my pocket, dey watch if I go sweat when bill land. Na Lagos dating logic be this.

But truth be say, I no dey do blind date because I dey desperate marry. I like to know person well—character, interest, values—so I no dey tell matchmaker my real financial level.

I dey guard my chest like say I be goalkeeper. No be every matter you open for date.

She ask me some normal questions, I answer anyhow.

My response dey bland, I no wan pour energy for where e no dey yield fruit. Na only small small gist I drop.

E clear say she no even get interest for me.

Her body language no lie—she dey look time, dey scroll phone, eye dey everywhere but me.

No wahala—me sef no feel am.

As I dey chew, I dey pray make this date end quick. My own patience get limit.

After food, she clean mouth, come clear me:

She pick toothpick, adjust wig, then drop this one: “I no go lie. For blind date, na hard requirements matter.”

She dey set boundary—no time for story. Lagos babes dey straightforward these days.

“I no dey brag, but you fit guess how many people dey chase me. But for men, fine face and height na just extra.”

She dey count suitors like say she dey do roll call. I dey smile inside, dey imagine her DMs.

“One talk for Instagram wey I like: ‘Marriage na woman second life.’”

She quote motivational speaker like say na scripture. Na Instagram wisdom full ground now.

I smile, allow her finish, then I ask: “You want man wey get house, car, savings—you get all those things yourself?”

I drop the question soft, no wan sound like attack. Make I hear her side.

“I no get. Na why I dey find husband wey dey okay financially, fit take care of me. If I get all those things, why I need man?”

She talk am with confidence, no blinking. Her logic dey straight: man dey provide, woman dey enjoy.

I ask, “If man get everything, but want make you stay house dey wash, cook, look after pikin, you go gree?”

I throw question, make I test her principle. Make we see how e go balance.

She just look me, laugh: “Which year we dey? Who dey do that one?”

Her laugh loud small, almost like insult. Na so I know say my question no enter.

“If you no gree, wetin the man go gain?”

I drop am cool, but my eyes dey read her face. Na her reaction I wan see.

My tone no too friendly, her face squeeze, eyebrow high like say she wan fight.

I sabi say this matter don touch nerve.

“My parents no send me go school make I come serve man. Which era be this? Women suppose get their own life. No come dey push olden days mentality for my head.”

Her voice strong, she dey speak from chest. You go know say na person wey don hear feminist podcast. If na my auntie, she for just say, "nonsense talk!"

I nod. “True, independence dey important. But if you wan dey independent, why you no work buy your own house and car? Why you dey expect man to get am? Why e come be requirement for husband?”

I dey try balance table, no wan quarrel, but I throw question back. Na so we dey reason for beer parlour—if you want equality, make am balanced.

She just dey look me, eyes dey para. She squeeze face, dey size me up. If to say na village, she for don call me stubborn goat.

At this point, I no see reason to dey pretend.

I don tire for the cat-and-mouse. I fit as well show my true colour.

I add: “I dey respect women wey truly dey independent. Wetin dey worry me na when person dey shout independence, but dey use two different standard for herself and men.”

I say am low, but I no mince words. For this Lagos, hypocrisy full everywhere.

“Wetin you dey talk? You dey say I get double standard?”

She voice dey up. I fit see say her patience dey thin.

I wave for waiter make e bring bill. I just raise hand, make e no be like say I dey dodge. For my mind, make we finish this episode.

She still dey press me to explain. She dey push, like person wey wan win debate for argument show. Lagos babe no dey carry last.

Bill reach almost ₦200,000. I look the paper, swallow small. But I flex my card, run am—no time.

I pay without stress. I smile, act like say na normal bill. No shaking for face, even if my account go feel am later.

But she no gree drop the matter, even dey raise voice small. People for corner dey look small small. I just dey pray make no be drama burst.

I just talk calm: “I no dey attack you. E just be observation. You like Instagram, abi? You go don see am: anytime dem post boyfriend or husband dey do something for babe, na so girls go dey tag their own boyfriend. But if na babe dey do something for her man, na so so comment like ‘She dey do too much’, or ‘She dey serve man’, or ‘I no dey find ancestor as boyfriend’.”

I try use example, make am clear. Na street observation, nothing personal.

Her face squeeze, eyebrow high like say she wan fight. But before she vex, I say, “Abeg, make we end am here. I get things to do.”

No need for unnecessary drama. I just wan peace.

She follow me waka out.

She pack her bag, step outside like person wey just finish war. I dey close, but I give am space.

“No matter wetin you talk, if man no get house or car, for blind date market, nothing for am.”

She repeat am, her voice dey high. Na final verdict she give.

I no argue, just say, “True, you dey right.”

No be everything person go drag. Sometimes, to agree dey peaceful.

Now, see as the evening take end. Night breeze don dey blow, traffic still dey outside. My mind just dey find escape.

My car dey park opposite the restaurant. For the door, I tell her bye, waka go my car. I no even wait for long story, I just face front, dey japa.

Before I enter, I look back. Something just push me, I check her face—babe just dey study me like say she dey do exam.

No lie, her face resemble those gold-digger wey dem catch for Nollywood film—shock everywhere.

If na one of those old Mama G movies, na now she for grab my shirt.

She ask, “Na your Porsche be this?” She raise voice, eyes wide. The surprise choke.

I just smile, no answer.

I fit see as her body language change—sharp sharp. Na so Lagos run be. I just dey observe.

She rush come, as if say na normal thing: “Taxi no dey here o, abeg give me lift.”

She dey act like say we dey familiar. Lagos babe sabi form closeness when e pay.

Before I talk, she add: “Real gentleman suppose drop lady after dinner.”

Her eye dey shine, she don drop entitlement card. Bros, wahala for who no sabi boundary.

She just stand for passenger door. She no even shift, just dey wait make I open door. I just look time, no wan drag matter.

I no fit tell am to waka. If I run her, na social media gist go surface—‘see how man disgrace woman for V.I.’ Make I just endure.

No wahala, make I just carry her.

Na so I open door, she enter, arrange herself well. Her perfume still dey float, the tension reduce small.

As we enter, her attitude change—she dey friendly pass before. She dey smile, dey gist, dey touch dashboard. Na now she remember say she fit talk sweet.

“You too blunt for girls o. E dey somehow.”

She talk am playful, like say we don dey familiar since 2010.

“But e good. All those guys wey dey sweet talk for first date, dem no dey last.”

She dey give me coded compliment, like say na me get sense pass others.

Her phone ring. She check, cut the call. She glance am quick, no wan talk who dey call. For Lagos, na coded runs.

Ring again. She hiss, cut am again. She hiss loud, then adjust her scarf. I dey look am through mirror.

“Na one mumu suitor,” she talk. Her mouth twist, like say na small pikin dey disturb her.

I just say, “Okay,” no even bother. Me no get energy for drama. I just dey drive, dey count down till I drop am.

I no even know say the real story behind that ‘suitor’ go shock me later. If to say dem tell me, I for laugh.

She still dey talk: “Some guys, just because their papa get small money, go dey form. I no fit stand am.”

She dey do talk like say she no dey send money, but na lie, I sabi the level. For Lagos, packaging na everything.

I say, “But at least dem get your requirements.”

I talk am soft, dey throw subtle jab. She no pick the shade.

She turn, tap my shoulder playfully, use sweet voice: “I no shallow like that o. House and car no too matter. Na the person dey important. As long as he get drive, get sense, na that one dey matter.”

Her tone don sweeten, her voice dey soft like Agege bread. For Lagos, na so e dey be when opportunity dey.

I just laugh inside. Madam, no be wetin you talk for table. For my mind, I dey play back all the earlier requirements. Na now she wan turn motivational speaker.

I ask, “So, if guy get future, but no house or car, e dey okay?”

I dey test her new story. Make we see if e match.

“Sure! As long as we dey hustle together, we go get am one day.”

She raise hope, dey form support system. But her eye dey search my face for response.

“I see cat picture for your WhatsApp status. You go dey gentle. I get cat before too. When I fit come play with your cat?”

I try lighten mood, throw small cruise.

“Time never reach nine, you dey go house? You wan branch somewhere? Lekki Mall no far. You fit park for Palms, or I fit buy you movie ticket.”

She dey invite me, like say she dey test whether I get time and cash.

“Where you dey stay? If I drop you, e go far? If we see film, you fit reach house?”

Her question dey come back to back. I dey wonder who dey rush who.

“You no fit reject girl o, I go sad~ I no dey always ask guy out. You suppose dey happy~”

She dey use small baby voice, dey play for car. Na so Lagos dating don turn competition.

Me: …

I no too talk, I just dey focus on steering. For my mind, I dey calculate time.

As she dey talk, she put hand for car door, then open storage compartment, bring out something. She dey search like say she dey look for her powder, but na lipstick she see.

Na lipstick she hold. Red lipstick. The kind wey dey leave mark for cup. My mind begin dey race—who put am there?

“Why you get woman lipstick for your car?”

Her face change—suspicion turn to drama, like wife catch husband dey cheat. Her eyebrow raise, eye dey wide. Na full episode for Telemundo.

“Who get am? Your babe? Your ex? Or you wan give another person?”

She dey push question, her tone don change from sweet to sharp. E be like I enter police station.

I look am, talk calm: “Na my friend get this car. Maybe na his girlfriend own.”

I dey hope say she go buy my explanation. Lagos girls no dey trust easily.

“Ehn? No be your car?”

She no believe me. Her eye dey shine, she dey do FBI investigator.

“Yes.”

I talk am direct, make she no dey reason say I dey hide anything. The truth na defence.

She no too believe, dey look me like torchlight.

She dey scan my face, dey try catch lie. For Lagos, suspicion be like breath.

I point number card for dashboard. “My number dey end with four 2s. Check am.”

I show evidence, make she no dey twist story. Sometimes, na proof dey end argument.

She quiet, then just laugh cold, begin press her phone—no be the same person wey dey yarn just now.

The switch quick—one minute she dey playful, next minute she don freeze. E shock me.

I act like nothing happen. “You watch any better film recently?”

I try shift topic, dey ease tension. No be every matter person go carry for head.

She reply cold: “Movie go too late. Na first meet. No make sense.”

She don close up, no want continue play. I just nod, dey drive.

“Okay, make we waka for Lekki Mall?”

I suggest alternative, maybe e go ginger her.

“No, crowd too much. I no wan squeeze.”

Her voice flat, no energy again. Na so e dey be when matter don sour.

“You sure you no wan honour me?”

I try drop last cruise, but e bounce off.

“You fit stop all this cringe?”

She dey para, no send me again. For my mind, I dey laugh.

“Maybe next time you fit come my place see my cat?”

I try bring back the cat gist, maybe she go laugh.

“I only like cat when I small. Now dem dey noisy, dey disturb—abeg.”

She wave hand, shut down talk. E shock me. My cat never offend anybody before.

Noisy and disturbing?

Na so she tag cat, but she na peace ambassador? I just smile inside.

I think: na you dey disturb pass here.

For my mind, I dey add tally. Cat dey gentle, but babe dey scatter everywhere.

But I no talk am. I just say, “You dey straightforward. If we fit work out, hustle together for like three to five years…”

I try still talk sense, maybe she go reason am. Life no dey run like Instagram post.

“Wait, wait.” She cut me, face don change. “Wetin you mean by ‘if we fit work out’ and ‘hustle together’? Wetin you dey talk?”

She no wan hear suffer story. Her face dey tight.

“You just talk say you fit suffer with guy wey get future.”

I remind her of her words, make I see if e get meaning.

She dey twist hair, face dey change:

She dey vex, dey tap finger for chair. You go know say matter don reach point of no return.

“Guy, na for people wey just finish school dem dey hustle together. You don near thirty. You wan carry girl suffer with you?”

She talk am loud, like say everybody for car suppose hear.

“I…”

I wan defend myself, but she no gree.

“Wetin? You dey 28. You no young again. No tell me say you still be pikin.”

She dey run age calculation. For her eyes, I suppose don hammer by now.

“But you talk say house and car—”

I try remind her, but e no enter.

“Abeg! House and car dey very important! If man reach thirty, no get house or car, wetin e dey do?”

She fire back, her voice dey high. E no even matter if dem hear outside.

“But you talk say you no shallow—”

I still try.

She just dey para more:

Her voice don reach peak. Even security for gate dey look inside car.

“I no shallow. To choose person wey don make am no be shallow—na to plan for my future! I no understand why men dey vex say women dey realistic or materialistic. If woman no want anything—no house, no bride price—na joy for una! Una go dey happy. Men wey no wan spend—no wonder dem no get wife!”

She shake head, dey use hand gesture. E be like we dey rehearse for stage play.

“And abeg, no dey talk about girls wey dey suffer with man. Wetin dey special for there? If na me be that guy, I go shame. Girls like that go regret am!”

She dey talk with passion, voice dey rise. If I no calm down, na fight go burst.

“My parents no train me to marry failure or dey do charity! As dem dey talk, ‘If you poor, stay your lane.’ If you no get money, no use woman take hustle. We no owe you, and we never chop your family rice!”

She quote proverb, eyes red. For her mind, e be like say na motivational rally she dey.

Ah, so na so dem dey use ‘If you poor, stay your lane’?

I just weak. This Lagos, if you no get thick skin, you go cry.

I raise hand: “Abeg, make we end am. Next junction, na your side be that, abi?”

I dey find peace. Make I drop her, face my own hustle. Na only God fit judge matter.

Make I just drop this goddess quick.

No time for extra wahala. Night don dey dark, traffic dey reduce. My patience don finish.

As I turn, my phone ring. Coincidence, na the owner of the car dey call.

Na my guy, my old friend. E dey always borrow my ride when e wan do show for him babe. The Bluetooth connect, sound loud.

My heart skip—she go soon know say na borrowed car. I just dey pray make ground open.

Bluetooth connect, so she hear am too. She eye me, I eye her. She no fit hide surprise.

“Where you dey? Blind date don finish?”

My guy voice loud, e dey happy. I dey try manage face.

“Yes, I dey come.”

I dey answer normal, make I no cast myself.

“How e go? My car no shame you?”

My guy dey laugh, dey tease. I see her face twist, like say e pain am.

I look her from side-eye. Her face be like person wey lose lottery.

For her mind, na jackpot she miss. E pain her, but she dey try form.

I cough. “We go talk when I reach.”

I no wan drop details. Matter no concern her again.

“How about you hold the car small? I dey enjoy your G-Class! If I know, I for buy this car with you!”

My guy dey cruise. E no know say drama dey my side.

“Forget that one, I like my own car pass. I go hang up.”

I just finish call, try lock door.

I end call, park for curb.

We reach her side, she dey look window. No word again.

“Here na your place, abi?”

I ask, voice soft. I no want extend matter.

She no answer, just look me strange. “You…”

Her eye dey big. I fit see say e shock her.

I act like I no understand. “Wetin?”

I dey act like say nothing dey happen. I no wan give her edge.

“So you get car!”

She shout am, voice surprise. Na now she see say I dey lowkey.

“I no ever talk say I no get. My car dey with my friend for wedding.”

I drop am cool, no stress. For Lagos, humility dey save person sometimes.

She just laugh, half vexed, half impressed: “Why you no talk since!”

Her laugh dry, but she dey try form friendly again. I no send.

I smile: “I get things to do—make we end am here.”

I talk am as e be—no room for extra gist.

She slow unbuckle seatbelt. As she open door halfway, she turn back, blink eye:

She wan do last move, maybe e go work.

“Hey, I free tomorrow o. I fit come your place see your cat?”

She dey try soft voice, dey hope say I go change my mind.

I gats hold myself—if I slack now, na so I go dey buy sushi every weekend.

I just twist mouth. I no wan form, no wan give green light. Make we rest. This babe na character…

I dey wonder if na movie audition she dey rehearse. Her mood dey change faster than NEPA light.

Where she learn to change face like this? Na AMVCA she suppose win.

For my mind, if na Yoruba home video, by now, I for hear background music.

I say, “No need. My cat dey noisy, and I get work tomorrow. If not, person go nearly thirty and still dey collect insult.”

I talk am plain. I no want give hope wey no dey.

She quiet. She pause, close door small, her mouth tight. No more gra-gra.

I point door. As she comot, I just drive off. I no even look back. My mind rest. I fit finally breathe.

Big relief.

I dey thank God for small mercies. My phone no buzz again. Lagos na wah!

I think say na the end. But around midnight, she message me for WhatsApp, ask if I reach house, thank me for dinner, say the food sweet.

The message surprise me. I dey wonder if she dey try set another date or na apology.

You go think say na to patch things, try see if chance still dey, abi?

If na some guys, dem for rush reply, dey hope say level fit change. Me, I just dey observe.

Na so I think too.

Bros, as I dey try sleep, I dey replay the matter for mind. Na Lagos, e fit be anything.

But I wrong.

I wrong well well.

E shock me like NEPA light. Wetin I see next, my eye clear.

Wetin she do next just shock me: she transfer ₦200,000 to me for mobile money, direct to my account.

Alert land, I check phone—‘For dinner. Thanks.’ Na so my head scatter. For Lagos, nothing dey finish!

My eye clear. Na so money dey fly for this Lagos? I check sender twice, dey wonder if na scam or real blessing.