Chapter 4: Goodbye to the Past

4

It’s not uncommon in Savannah to give away mistresses—especially among the old-money crowd. In Savannah, old money folks pass around secrets and lovers like heirloom china—delicate, but never really theirs.

But giving away a mistress who has already had several children is rare.

Giving one to the uncle of your fiancée is even more unusual.

The eldest, being older and more aware, clapped his hands when he saw I was leaving.

"Great! The bad woman is finally leaving. Now I’ll have all the purple cupcakes I want."

The second cheered: "I won’t have to practice piano anymore!"

Their laughter echoed in my ears, sharp as the cicadas outside, and I wondered if they’d ever remember me at all. I tried to fix their faces in my memory, but they blurred together with the faces of all the children I had lost.

I was prone to pregnancy; by the second month, my belly would already be showing.

But at that time, Derek had no feelings for me and thought it was too soon. Fearing it would upset Lillian if she heard, he forced me to take medicine to end the pregnancy.

The pills tasted bitter, and I’d lie awake at night, clutching my belly, praying for a miracle.

After that, there were several more I could not keep.

The fifth time, the old matriarch was determined. For the fifth child, she personally brought me over, dragging her frail body and staying to care for me.

I made herbal tea for her every day.

She sent Derek away whenever he came to visit.

My child was born less than two months before she, too, passed away.

The sixth child, the second son, was conceived during my recovery period.

By the time it was discovered, the pregnancy was already far along. If forced to take medicine, it could have killed both me and the baby.

I managed to give birth.

But after two bouts of blood loss,

the children were born weak.

When they were young, for their health, I strictly controlled their diet, begging the housekeeper to discipline them.

Later, as they grew older, they learned who I was and felt deeply ashamed.

My careful instructions became especially resented.

When they learned their real mother was coming into the house, the two little ones were overjoyed.

Now, they couldn’t wait for me to leave at once.

Seeing me seem upset,

Derek said: "Enough, why argue with kids."

He glanced at me one last time: "Cassie, when you go there, you can’t be stubborn anymore. Not every man is as easy to deal with as I am. Be good. When I have time, I’ll come visit you."

His words rang hollow, a promise no one expected him to keep. The house felt smaller than ever, the walls closing in with every whispered word.

I ignored him, only kneeling on the floor, numbly picking up the ten pouches scattered across the carpet one by one.

My hands trembled as I tucked the pouches back in the box. For a moment, I caught my own reflection in the glass of the display cabinet—pale, older than my years, but still holding on to something unbreakable.

When I left, the maids were still whispering:

"Miss Cassie is really in love with the heir. Who knows how she’ll get through this?"

"I heard it was Lillian Shaw’s idea to send her to that widower in her family. Our future lady is clever. Sending her to her own relatives means that even if the heir misses her, he won’t dare act, and the Shaw family can keep her in check."

"I heard the Shaw family is pretty ordinary, not high society, but there are plenty of wives and maids at home. She’s not young anymore, it won’t be easy."

"No wonder she wouldn’t let go of those pouches. It’s obvious she doesn’t want to leave."

"Not wanting to leave is useless. She’s just a stand-in, bless her heart. Now that the real deal’s back, she doesn’t stand a chance."

"Even though she’s marrying again, she hasn’t had kids. Cassie has had so many; her body is already worn out. How can she compare to the real lady?"

"Don’t say that. When I saw those ten children’s pouches just now, I nearly cried. Poor thing. If her luck were better, how could she have twelve and only two survive?"

Their words stung, but I kept my chin up, fingers wrapped tight around the jewelry box. Outside, cicadas droned in the trees, and the southern sun pressed down, relentless and bright, as if daring me to shrink from it.

I touched the pouches in my arms.

They were full.

Good, they’re all here.

What I couldn’t bear to leave behind was never Derek, but these countless precious pearls and gold beads hidden in the ashes.

I closed my eyes and breathed deep, letting the heat and the memory settle inside me. Grief, heavy as river stones, but also full of something that felt like hope—thin, but real.