Chapter 5: Lessons from the Loop

[The time loop dey always start during monthly or stage exams.]

[The only way to escape na to sabi all the topics wey dey the monthly exam well-well.]

[You must sabi am for real; you no fit use shortcut or trick the loop.]

I write these three lines for front of my notebook, serious.

Na old 40-leaves exercise book, cover don tear. My handwriting strong, like incantation. I even draw small sign wey only me understand—my own juju against madness.

Even though I don know am by heart, to write am dey important for me. Na my own ritual—inside this endless loop cage, I need am make I no craze.

Na like rosary for Catholic, or prayer mat for Muslim. This small act dey help me balance head.

If no be for these rituals, I for don mad since.

I no go lie, I don dey talk to myself sometimes. If person see me, dem go say Ifedike don dey run mental. But na only these rituals dey hold me together.

Na 98 days remain for WAEC.

I count am every morning. I mark am for my wall calendar, even though I sabi say anything fit happen. The fear dey inside me like stubborn fever.

The matter dey hard every day. For junior school, maybe after one or two loops I go fit sabi everything for the test. But for senior school, e different.

Subjects dey complex. Teachers no dey smile. Sometimes, dem go change question last minute, or mark strict. Na there wahala start.

My weak points dey show—especially for maths and physics. Some things just no dey enter my head, I need repeat loop many times before e go stick.

For maths, na quadratic equation dey finish me. For physics, na all those law of motion. I dey read, I dey beg God—make e enter my head.

This monthly exam, I don loop 443 times.

Some days, I dey wake up with headache, dey count the number for my mind. 443. My body no gree again, but my spirit dey push.

After 443 loops, I sabi everything wey fit happen for these seven days. For example, in two seconds, one turtle dove go jam the classroom window, the teacher go turn look. Then, one paper ball go fly come my side, inside am na 125-word love letter. If I collect am, na to start class prefect love story—three days, 892 lines of talk, five gist scenes.

I dey see her handwriting before the ball land. The smell of biro ink, the way she dey fold am—na all old news for me.

I don see these things tire, so—

The boredom don dey choke me. All the drama, all the love letter, na movie wey I don watch tire.

I think:

One turtle dove hit the window small. Teacher turn head. Same time, paper ball fly come my side. I just turn my head for the 411th time, no shake, watch the paper ball pass my face, land near dustbin.

My eye even meet her own—she look down sharp, dey bite her lip. She just bone face, but I sabi say e dey pain am small—na so girls dey do for our side.

Class prefect wey siddon near me just bow her head. But I no even get energy to reason her.

Na so I turn face, dey look board. I just dey manage myself, no strength for any love wahala.

I face the big calculus question, put all my mind. I don try this question tire, but still need check answer many times before I fit really sabi am.

I close my eyes, recall the steps. Na integration dey worry me. I dey murmur formula under my breath, just dey pray say this time e go stick.

Everybody dey think say I be genius. Since JSS2, I dey always come first, I mature pass my mates.

Some of dem dey call me "Prof" for corridor. Some girls dey hide dey write my name with love emoji. But for my mind, na only struggle I dey struggle.

For WAEC, I be state best with 749, pass second person by 50 marks.

Assemblies, principal dey use me do example. My papa dey do like king for compound—e go talk say, "Na my pikin, Ifedike!" I just dey smile, dey thank God small-small.

But na only me know:

For my heart, e dey empty. All these praise no reach where my problem dey.

I just be normal person, nothing special.

If dem check my real mind, na just ordinary pikin wey dey try survive. No be genius, no be prophet.

If no be time loop, I no sure say I go even enter top 50.

If dem remove the loop, I for dey middle—maybe sef I go fail some subject. Na the truth.

Every score, every "genius" thing wey I do, na because I repeat am plenty times.

E dey pain me say people dey see only my result, dem no sabi the suffering behind am.

That cage wey lock me.

I dey carry the weight for chest. I dey wish person fit open my heart, see wetin I dey bear.

Sometimes, I just tire. The loop make all my effort look useless, because I don already know the end.

E dey kill my joy. I fit predict everything—na so life dey lose taste.

I try to stop reading, try do anyhow—skip class go play game for cybercafé, dey disturb teachers, even dey talk about future things for class.

Some days, I dey waka go shop, buy gala and La Casera, just dey cruise. I dey use joke confuse my teacher—talk say Super Eagles go win match before e happen. Everybody dey laugh, but my mind dey far.

But all those things just make me more tired.

Na empty joy, because anything I do, no dey last. The next loop go wipe am clean.

Life wey no get consequence dey choke person.

E be like you dey live inside bottle, no air. You go dey struggle, but nothing dey change.

So I return to my books, dey battle those hard questions wey dey give me headache.

I go library, I dey beg teacher—"Oga, abeg, help me explain this algebra." Sometimes, na prayer I dey use—just to find small breakthrough.

The loop no make me genius; e just make me ordinary person wey dey suffer for knowledge. I must repeat everything, until my brain carry am like tattoo.

I go dey solve question, my hand dey pain me, but I no dey stop. If I forget one formula, na to loop again.

"Everybody do well for this monthly test—make we leave Ifedike own, go second place..."

As teacher talk, the class dey laugh. Some dey clap, some dey shake head. Na routine—e no move me.

The same words from teacher mouth. The way e talk, the look for him face—nothing change.

E dey like record wey scratch, na the same script every time. My life dey run for replay.

As I hear am, I breathe out long. No time loop today.

That relief dey like cold water for hot afternoon. My body calm down, I fit hear my own heartbeat.

That moment, I feel peace. Any time exam finish and loop no happen, I dey really value the time. Because on days wey loop no dey, time dey real.

I look outside. Sun dey shine through the mango leaves, pattern dey ground. Breeze dey blow curtain small, like say e dey pet the classroom.

Birds dey sing, children dey play for field. That small life outside dey sweet me, because e mean say today no be loop day.

For these small moments, I feel peace. Because everything wey go happen next, I no sabi—and not knowing mean say life get new gist.

I dey smile for myself, dey thank God. For my mind, na real freedom be this.

Human beings na curiosity dey push us. If everything dey set, why we go dey alive?

If you sabi how your story go end, you no go get interest to live am. Na so I dey learn to cherish surprise.