Chapter 8: Cute Calls and Cruel Comparisons

07

To win Derek’s heart, I started learning tips for chasing guys online. But there were too many tricks, and I cared about speed, not quality. I watched YouTube dating advice and scrolled through endless BuzzFeed articles. So…

“Derek, when do you get out of class? I want to eat with you—um, please?” I blurted in a weirdly breathy voice, then cringed at myself the second I heard it. He hung up as soon as I finished. See, I knew guys can’t resist girls acting cute. No wonder that blogger said, “When girls act cute, men’s souls will float.” Right? Right…?

Before I could be happy, I got a message from Derek. “Talk like that again and I’ll block you.” “….” Damn! What a boring guy! My stomach dropped, then weirdly, I laughed—shame, humor, resolve all tangling up. Okay, note to self: be myself, not a cartoon.

To win his heart, I decided to win his stomach first. But there are too many dorm rules—no pots or knives allowed. So… my promised homemade lunch for Derek became a fruit salad. To show my sincerity, I arranged it in a heart shape. I was so rushed to meet him that the shape fell apart. Honeycrisp apples, blueberries, and pineapple chunks sloshed in a cold plastic container sweating onto my palms.

“This is your sincerity?” Derek looked at me, amused. My brain spun fast. “It means, no matter what form, I like you.” But Derek wasn’t swayed, just snickered and took the food box. For nearly a month, no matter what I tried, Derek was unmoved.

I started to wonder if I was using the wrong approach. Until one day, while changing for training, I overheard girls gossiping. “I heard Lillian is going to confess to Derek tonight.” Lillian? Damn! If I’m just a strong athlete, Lillian is the beautiful model with all the charm. Not just the boys, even I drool over her looks. Plus, she’s outgoing and enthusiastic—everyone loves her. She’s a regular face in the student magazine, The Arbiter, and helps with the fashion club’s pop-ups; rumor says she co-captains cheer.

As a die-hard appearance fan, I used to adore her: up! up! up! But now, my goddess loves my male god. I might be cannon fodder. Damn damn damn!

“Keep your voice down, Aubrey is chasing Derek too, don’t let her hear.” “So what, she hasn’t succeeded. If you were Derek, who would you choose?” “Aubrey’s strong biceps lose to Lillian’s curves.” Even though I knew they meant no harm, that stung.

As a kid, because I liked shot put, neighborhood kids wouldn’t play with me, saying I was a tomboy. In junior high, because of training, other girls developed chests, I developed biceps. Back then, boys liked teasing girls, one boy always teased me. He’d pull my hair, throw my pens. One day after school, I pinned him at the gate and beat him up. After that, most boys avoided me. It got lonely. Still, there are bright snapshots: Dad timing my garage throws with a beat-up stopwatch, Mom sewing my team patch to a jacket while telling me to keep my chin up. Every trophy quieted the ache, but never erased it.

The girls gossiped and joked for a while, unaware I was behind the curtain. On the way back to the dorm, the more I thought, the more uneasy I got. What if Derek likes girls like Lillian? What if he says yes? What if Derek eats Lillian’s food? Turns out love is selfish. Even though I used to adore Lillian, the moment she became a rival, I wished she’d suffer in love too. Wished she’d get rejected.

I tripped over my own feet and fell flat on my face in public. Sitting on the campus nurse’s bench again, I felt utterly miserable. I held an ice pack to my cheek and wondered if heartbreak could be cured with ibuprofen.