Chapter 1: The Reality Show Challenge

On a reality show, I shamelessly called up my biggest wahala person.

As I dey sit for that colourful, over-bright studio chair, I look the red light for camera, adjust my Ankara top small, then press dial. For this kind thing, shame no dey—na cruise and pepper we dey serve.

"Abeg, fit lend me two million make I buy one cloth?"

I talk am like say na pure water I dey beg for, my voice steady but my chest stuck like eba when water finish—she no fit move. People for studio hold breath—nobody expect that kind sharp request.

On the other end: "...Why you no just peel my skin commot, wear me instead?"

The way he answer am ehn, you go think say we dey act Nollywood skit. Everybody for studio burst laugh, even soundman fit no hold mic again. Me sef, I choke small, but I just bone face.

One second later, alert land.

[Your Zenith Bank account ending with 8975 don receive instant transfer of ₦10,000,000 at 08:13 on September 11...]

The show game na simple one: call person from your industry, make dem talk one particular phrase, but no let dem know say dem dey record.

The thing dey sweet and tense at once, because na sharp sharp thinking go save person, and na pure Naija street sense you go need. For back, dem dey shout, "You gats use leg work, o!"

Na by lucky dip dem pick the sentence.

You go see am, na small paper folded like gala wrapper dem dey pass round. Everybody dey pray make e no be gbege sentence. I dey sweat, my palm dey wet, but I still dey ginger.

As I open my own paper, everywhere just dark for my eye—

[Prompt: You dey sick?]

I read am once, twice—my brain dey reject the matter. Even my guardian angel go wan resign for this kind work.

Which kind wahala prompt be this? E resemble those annoying comprehension questions from school.

I remember as Miss Chika dey drag us for assembly, "If you can't answer, you will stand for sun." God abeg o!

"Ah, this one hard o, Director, abeg make my Kamsi pick again."

I nor even fit form hard guy, abeg. The director sef dey hide smile. I throway small prayer for my mind, make dem pity me.

Morayo just rush come, wrap her hand for my own, dey shake am like say na play we dey.

This small girl sabi act well sha.

As her hand dey soft for my wrist, I feel small calm enter me. For here, wahala dey but if person dey beside you, e still sweet.

We never even know ourselves reach thirty minutes, she don dey behave like say we be padi since.

The chemistry na real. Even the makeup artist dey look us, dey giggle, dey whisper, "E be like say dem two fit run show together." For this life, na cruise get power.

I force smile, shake head.

I just gather morale, tell myself, "Ifeoma, you strong, no fall hand for your mama name."

"No wahala, I go manage this one."

I try package the smile, but my eye still dey sharp dey find who go help me escape.

[Barrage: Wetin dey worry Ifeoma? Morayo dey help her, she dey form attitude. See as dem dey bully Morayo, even for show.]

[Barrage: Na normal girl wahala, dey ignore girls, dey follow boys talk anyhow. I don dey watch am since—always dey joke with Tunde Okafor, she too like boys.]

[Barrage: Morayo, abeg rest. You dey treat her like friend, but na just prop you be for her eye.]

The thing dey pain me small—these internet people dey quick judge. I just bone, dey reason who I go call.

The lights for studio dey burn my skin, but I gats focus. My wahala fit just start now if I pick wrong person.

Anybody wey get small sense no go fit talk that kind thing—except for...

I dey run through my contact list for head. Na only one person I know wey go open mouth, no reason am.

But if I no fit finish the task, dem go pair me with Morayo...

Pairing with Morayo na sweet and pepper mixed together. This life no balance.

I just sigh, dey look screen, dey watch as she dey form warm and friendly.

She dey wave hand like person wey dey for children’s show, her smile na like cold bottle Fanta for hot sun. My chest just dey vibrate.

"Wetin you dey talk? Me and Ifeoma na correct padi, I like Ifeoma, she dey treat me well too."

Her voice come out soft, dem go reason say na true friendship. But me I dey for my lane dey find sharp answer.

Forget am, abeg. If na to choose between one minute of wahala and one whole day, abeg give me the minute.

My head dey calculate, "Just do am, collect your peace. No dey drag mat with small pikin."

As I dey wait for the ring, the HD camera zoom sharp sharp go the contact name wey I save for Movie King Obiora for my phone.

[Young man with better yansh and sharp mouth]

The camera man sef get wahala. He zoom reach the screen, audience just dey laugh. My eye follow the camera, I just dey wait.

...

See gbege, I forget about the contact note.

Omo, I don cast. I no even fit cover my face, the whole world go see am now. The producer dey giggle, host dey cough, audience dey wild.

Everybody dey look me like say I be alien. I just laugh anyhow.

I just wave hand, say, "Abeg, na play we dey play. You know as truth or dare be now."

"Ahem, na truth or dare I lose, forget to change am back."

The way I dey laugh ehn, na only God go save me from this embarrassment. My heart dey beat kpim kpim.

The ringtone just dey blast. If he no pick after ten seconds, na wahala be that.

Every second long pass NEPA outage for village. The tension for studio fit cut person.

Morayo tap me for shoulder, dey try console me.

She whisper, "No vex, Obiora do night shoot yesterday. E fit still dey sleep."

Her palm dey warm, but e get one kain ginger inside. I look her, she dey avoid my eye, just dey chew her lip.

Ehn ehn, you sabi his schedule reach like that?

I no talk am, but I dey look her for corner eye. This world get as e be, shippers go dey jubilate for house now.