Chapter 2: Studio Tension and Internet Gist

[Barrage: Young man with better yansh, e fit true o, hahaha. Make he try open bottle with am na! Ifeoma, abeg try am!]

[Barrage: Wetin all these Obiora-fans dey proud for? That contact name na insult. Like idol, like fan. No be joke friends dey play? And Ifeoma talk say na truth or dare cause am.]

[Barrage: Nobody dey see the sweet part? Morayo sabi Obiora schedule, even when e dey sleep... Dem two dey date, I no send, na dem be couple. My guy get relative for industry—Obiora and Morayo don dey together tey tey, just no public. Dem even spend Christmas together this year.]

[Barrage: Ifeoma, you no get shame, dey call am for front of him babe, dey show contact name. You too dey desperate. Na so all these green tea girls dey behave...]

As the comments dey fly, my phone vibrate—finally, the call connect.

"Hello?"

Na man voice, rough and tired, echo for studio, him breathing get as e be, e even give me goosebumps.

Na so all eyes for studio freeze, even my own heart skip. E get that voice wey fit fry yam—deep, slow, one kain sleepy. E get that kind bass wey dey make aunty for church forget hymn.

I look Morayo somehow—her face don turn shy, dey blush...

E resemble when you catch thief for kitchen, dey chop meat wey dem keep for soup. She just dey look down, dey smile. Her body dey ginger, audience dey shout "Awww."

No be say dem dey date true true?

Na so gist dey fly for internet. I dey wonder if na true. Abeg, na her wahala. See as you carry everything put for one plate of jollof rice with everything inside—messy, full, sweet, get plenty things.

In Naija, if wahala too much, we dey say e be like jollof rice with goat meat, chicken, ponmo, even shaki join. Na everything together—e no pure, but e sweet die.

Hmm, after this recording, I go buy one—add extra dodo and that crunchy ponmo.

My mouth dey water already. Na stress dey cause hunger, abeg.

Obiora talk, voice dey vex, dey form big man.

The way he answer, e carry weight. "Madam Ifeoma, na eight o'clock for Abuja. I just sleep two hours. I hope say this thing really serious."

If you hear am, you go think say na board meeting dem dey hold for his room. But me, I no gree, I gats focus, drop my line, dey ready for anything.

I take deep breath, steady my voice, "Abeg, fit lend me two million make I buy cloth?"

I no even blink. If wahala go land, make e land proper. No be today I start dey collect bullet for reality show.

Abeg, roast me. Just do am quick.

Everybody for studio dey press neck, dey wait for his reply. Na real suspense.

The other side, he hold breath, then after small time:

He drop voice lower, "Why you no just peel me off, wear me instead."

As he talk am, you go think say e dey use style dey drag me for mud. Laughter scatter everywhere. The host nearly fall for chair, camera crew dey press mouth.

...

Host and guests dey look themselves, barrage just dey explode with 'hahaha' and talk say I dey try follow cold guy.

The comment section dey catch fire. Even people wey no sabi us dey type, "Na cruise be this o!"

I no gree, brace myself, talk another one wey mad pass.

"Even if you dey naked for my front, I go still search your pocket, use your phone transfer money give myself."

I dey drop the line like street comedian. No dulling, give them the drama they want.

"No vex, I no fit do man dirty like that, but that your small money? Na my own be that."

My jaw dey pain me from all the forming, but for show, you gats finish strong. Audience dey cheer, even the camera zoom my eye—dem go see say I no dey shake.

Obiora quiet. Na only small sound of skin dey rub cloth you fit hear.

E be like say he dey think how e go finish me with words, or maybe e dey find sense wey sleep carry go.

Any moment now, e go roast me.

Everybody for studio dey hold breath, dey wait for his wahala to drop. Some dey whisper bet, "E go roast her!"

But after one kain low, mocking laugh, na so he just cut call—sharp sharp. The busy tone just blend with the noise for studio.

The laugh wey escape his mouth na those ones wey dey pepper person. Then gbam—call cut. Na so wahala end.

Host just dey scratch head, dey force smile like person wey chop pepper. He arrange face, say, "E be like say Mr. Obiora really tired after all-night work."

E still dey try save show, but na everybody see the gbege already.

Barrage scatter again.

[Barrage: You see am? He no even wan talk to you, Ifeoma. Rest. See chemistry, Obiora still dey sleep—maybe two hours ago, Morayo dey bed with am, cry cry. Ifeoma, shift. You know say you be third wheel, and we even support you before. Backstabber no dey last.]

My eye dey hot. I wan cry. Normally, Obiora mouth dey sharp like blade, e dey give himself headache for three days.

Even my chest dey pain, but I gats maintain. For TV, person no dey show weakness. Instead, I dey form strong, dey adjust my seat. The camera sef dey follow me up and down.

Why e come dey dull when I really need am?

This na the question wey dey ring for my mind. Normally, his clapback fit make internet shutdown. But today, silence.

Camera just dey zoom for my phone.

Dem wan see my reaction, dey fish for small tears. But I no go gree give dem.

I frown, dey try commot from WhatsApp screen, na so alert pop up for top.

[Your Zenith Bank account ending with 8975 don receive instant transfer of ₦10,000,000.00 at 08:13 on September 11...]

At first I freeze, dey try reason am. I tap the screen, read am again. Na real alert o!

...

Ten million?

I look left, look right—everybody dey stare. Even host eye wide, like dem pour cold water for body.

Obiora still dey dream, I swear.

The studio dey buzz—some dey clap, some dey shout. Person even talk, "Shey na jazz?"

That kind money—e be like say he dey send me go meet my ancestors.

If to say na olden days, elders go say make I do Thanksgiving. For this Lagos, na to dance shaku shaku inside traffic.

Everywhere scatter for studio. Everybody dey look that zero dem, mouth open.

The place cold, but my palm dey sweat. The light dey shine pass generator, but na money dey make my eye dey shake.